I'm spending my share on a meatball sub. Om nom nom.
85 Billion Euro Windfall To Be Shared Among Syndicate, Ireland To Close.
News that the EU and IMF bailouts awarded to Ireland would not be used to prop up the country's flailing economy broke today, with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen revealing that the money would instead be split up amongst the population.
"85 Billion split four and a half million ways gives us almost twenty thousand euros each. That's eff you money in my book." In his address, the Irish Premier listed some of the things the winnings could be spent on. "A luxury cruise, a decent car, a year's supply of Subway sandwiches. It's a long list. I encourage you all to spend wisely."
When asked what would become of the country now that its shattered economy would not be saved, Mr Cowen was resolute.
"Well, it's done for, isn't it? We might as well enjoy ourselves, but Ireland's spent. " He then addressed the gathering crowd. "I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. Time to give the Emerald Isle back to the serpents."
"Begorrah" He added.
Interest in the soon-to-be stateless island has already surfaced, with Pinewood Studios expressing a desire to shoot the long-mooted Braveheart remake on its soon-to-be-vacant shores. Irish entrepreneur Michael O'Leary has also expressed an interest in acquiring his soon-to-be-former-homeland.
Mad, no-frills tyrant.
"I see Ryanland as being the top choice for individuals looking for a low-cost, no-frills citizenship." At a hastily-organised press conference, O'Leary's eyes glazed over as the muse of commerce possessed him. "A nation state for the discerning non-traveller who wants to get from A to A with the minimum of fuss. No taxes! Passports now only 99p (plus charges)! Book online to avoid disappointment!" O'Leary was led away by minders before he could relate the full terms and conditions of his offer.
God dammit, now my girlfriend keeps dropping hints.
Prince William, future king and future manwife of Kate Middleton (plebeian), has raised the ire of a generation - A generation of men trapped in long-term relationships, now stripped of hope, now doomed to a slow decline into matrimony.
"I didn't think he'd go through with it, and when they broke up, I'd have dumped mine too in the confusion". Brian Smacks, 27, vowed bloody vengeance against the monarch-to-be in an impassioned, impromptu pub lunch address that hit YouTube earlier today. It has received over 6 hits in three hours, leading to some pundits to question whether this is the beginning of a serious revolutionary movement. Brian continued "I swear to god, my missus sent me a link to the story this morning. A link. What the hell am I supposed to make of that?"
Protests have begun already, with several organisations vowing to march on London. One group, formed in opposition to Prince William's casual disregard for his position as a 20-something mens' moral leader, the Society for Trapped, Angry Guys, has taken a firm line.
"We won't stand for it. I mean, she's not bad, not my type, but not bad, but what did he think he was doing? I prefer Asians, myself." an anonymous member of the radical group claimed today.
Despite 20-something men across Britain avoiding eye-contact with their inevitable fiances today, allegedly afeared for their freedom, the Palace was resolute. During a hastily organised press event this evening, a spokesman for Prince William addressed the groups' concerns.
"Save yourselves men. It was too late for the young master, but you still have a chance. Run. Run!"
Not everyone has condemned the Prince's actions, however. Stacie Pitch, 23, declared loudly in the cafeteria today that she, and others, were in favour of the arrangement.
"He's so cute. Oh. And they look great together. He proposed on holiday, in Africa, and with his mother's ring, that's Princess Diana. Oh. It's so romantic."
Reality television. To some, the greatest thing to happen to the medium since Mr Motivator, to others, the worst thing to happen to the medium since Mr Motivator.
Courting controversy since its infancy, Reality TV has weathered many storms, from Ben Fogle's notorious "Reichstag address" speech on Castaway, to Hurricane Jade and the ethnic and intellectual cleansing of Big Brother - each series more shocking, each scenario and "high concept" more desperate and demeaning than the last. And yet, the genre endured.
With the arrival of self-parodying shows such as The Only Way Is Essex, pundits argued that the demise of true reality TV had begun. No more would the authentically shocking grace our screens - we had moved, to paraphrase Marx, from tragedy, into farce.
Or so it was assumed; that is, until The Adventures of Portland Bill.
In a recent episode, Bill's "assistants" do "a spot of cleaning"
The worst nightmare/nocturnal emission of every Daily Mail reader in the country, this unparalleled, revelatory despair has broken like a wave against our collective consciousness, washing away our tidy 21st century illusions and leaving the reality of Modern Britain bare, revealed in all its startling truth.
Ostensibly a documentary charting the lives of three lighthouse keepers, Portland Bill plots a far darker course, deep, deep into the nation's Heart of Darkness. Social and sexual mores are brutally challenged and overturned, threaded through with biting satire, cruel humour, and jam tarts.
To suggest that this unfolding drama is Pinteresque would do Bill a disservice; it may now be more accurate to call The Homecoming Portlandesque. Unlike Pinter's harrowing, truth-revealing art, however, Portland Bill is simply, harrowingly true. Too true for many.
With calls to reinstate the death penalty to bring these keepers of depravity to justice, the public has failed to appreciate that Portland Bill is a mirror, and that like Caliban and his master, it is we who are responsible for the existence of these desperate creatures. The Adventures of Portland Bill may have triggered a knee-jerk hate mail campaign, and even questions in Parliament, but in an age of apathy and ironic detachment, it appears that only the very worst excesses of behaviour can move us. And in our apathy, from the Lizard to John O'Groats, we have let these worst excesses breed.
Perhaps the programme makers should be praised, not letter-bombed, for their brave decision not to edit or censor even the vilest acts, having the faith in their audience that we would see these wrongs, and seek to change the circumstances that created them, not damn the messenger, or the true victims - Bill, Ross and Cromarty.
Or perhaps not.
TV bosses have turned a deaf ear to the expected cries of "Ban this sick filth", but this critic wonders if the Middle England brigade may have a point. Objective reportage is all well and good, but if scenes such as the "whitewashing" of a "lighthouse" are suitable to broadcast, where do we draw the line?
With The Adventures of Portland Bill already renewed for a second season, perhaps we shall find out -for example, perhaps the keepers will have a visit from an "inspector" on "lighthouse business".
No doubt Ross should have been cleaning the steps as opposed to fishing, leading to, brace yourself, "high seas highjinks".
