Ireland Bailout Bonanza

I'm spending my share on a meatball sub. Om nom nom.

85 Billion Euro Windfall To Be Shared Among Syndicate, Ireland To Close.

News that the EU and IMF bailouts awarded to Ireland would not be used to prop up the country's flailing economy broke today, with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen revealing that the money would instead be split up amongst the population.

"85 Billion split four and a half million ways gives us almost twenty thousand euros each. That's eff you money in my book." In his address, the Irish Premier listed some of the things the winnings could be spent on. "A luxury cruise, a decent car, a year's supply of Subway sandwiches. It's a long list. I encourage you all to spend wisely."

When asked what would become of the country now that its shattered economy would not be saved, Mr Cowen was resolute.

"Well, it's done for, isn't it? We might as well enjoy ourselves, but Ireland's spent. " He then addressed the gathering crowd. "I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. Time to give the Emerald Isle back to the serpents."

"Begorrah" He added.

Interest in the soon-to-be stateless island has already surfaced, with Pinewood Studios expressing a desire to shoot the long-mooted Braveheart remake on its soon-to-be-vacant shores. Irish entrepreneur Michael O'Leary has also expressed an interest in acquiring his soon-to-be-former-homeland.

Mad, no-frills tyrant.

"I see Ryanland as being the top choice for individuals looking for a low-cost, no-frills citizenship." At a hastily-organised press conference, O'Leary's eyes glazed over as the muse of commerce possessed him. "A nation state for the discerning non-traveller who wants to get from A to A with the minimum of fuss. No taxes! Passports now only 99p (plus charges)! Book online to avoid disappointment!" O'Leary was led away by minders before he could relate the full terms and conditions of his offer.