TV Week: Podium Masterpiece Theatre

"You smell that? Do you smell that?"

If I had to name one show this season that you're not watching and should be, it's Podium Masterpiece Theatre on CBS. Struggling in the tough Wednesday early-morning timeslot, and facing off against a killer double-bill of America's Next Top Next Top Show and The Shit Whisperer on NBC, its days may be numbered, but this critically-acclaimed show needs your attention. My advice? Don't wait for the DVD.

With blink-and-you'll-miss-it podium cameos from such diverse performers as former President Bill Clinton reading the DiC logo title card, and Susan Sarandon as Kanye, this is a show like no other. It's passing will be deeply regretted by those lucky few who tuned in.

Despite falling ratings, this season's PMT has still been improving week on week, decisively answering those critics who argued it had peaked last year with the Emmy Award-winning season finale "Michael Sheen reads excerpts from O Magazine".

The New Yorker lavished the show with praise, calling Sheen's performance "White... toothy, grin!" and urging its readership to give the desperate PMT a try. The resulting buzz may have granted a renewal this season and second chance to find an audience, but many insiders felt this was more of a stay of execution than a reprieve.

"What Oprah Knows For Sure"

But the show's producers have not rested on their laurels, and are determined to go out fighting. In an interview for Vanity Fair last month, showrunner Alan Cliffe was defiant.

"We've got some big names. Real talent. Hell, we've got titans. Last year we had Michael, Martin, Charlie. Hell, all the Sheens. You thought Emilio's rendition of It's Not Easy Being Green was a tour de force? This year, we're going even bigger."

When it was leaked last Summer that network execs wanted PMT to go mass market, fans outrage was palpable. Would Podium would dumb down in an attempt to reach a wider audience? Cliffe dismissed the claims with equal vigour.

"Man, don't go believing everything you read on Twitter. Yes, some guys at HQ said some things over coffee. Yes, meetings took place. And yes, we told them no. From day one, this was a show that was not going to be for everyone. Not everyone wants to see a naked Kevin James stand behind a podium and read the book of Genesis. We get that. The network gets that. PMT is for the fans. Always has been."

True to his word, the commitment of Cliffe, along with his team, to the ideals of Podium has been stronger than ever. As promised, acting heavyweights Ian McKellen and Lil' Kim joined the cast this year, and if their joint podium reading of Huckleberry Finn in episode 2 is any indication, if Podium Masterpiece Theatre is going down, it's going out with a bang.

How The $#!* Did This Get Made?

In today's How The $#!* Did This Get Made?, we take a look at BBC Three television programme How Not To Live Your Life.

How Not To Live Your Life then? If you are an aspiring writer/actor/director, exactly like this:

Hieronymus Bosch (c. 1511)

 If you desire to be damned as devil-spawn, to be spurned by your fellow man, to be whipped and beaten and cast out like Connor MacLeod, then this effort, this turd-sodden quiche of a show, offers an unsurpassed guide as to how to live your life, both in content and execution.

How (Not) To Live Your Life:

1. Through witchcraft, dominate the minds of the BBC's team responsible for the commissioning of comedy.
2. Dip an ant's feet in ink, as per the BBC's submission guidelines.
3. Release said ant onto 90 gsm.
4. Send result to brainwashed team, with an offer to play the lead.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I bore witness to proof that the above method not only works, but results in recommissioning. There are now three whole series.

THREE. MIND-UNSPOOLING. SERIES.

Disclaimer: I could only watch for a few minutes, at which point the aneurysms became too frequent to continue. I apologise to all concerned if the remaining 5/6ths were 21st Century Shakespeare.

Around the 00:01:00 mark, I questioned what sins I had committed that would deserve such brain-fisting torment. Surely no God was this vengeful? And yet, Dante could not have envisioned Brutus in worse agony than that served upon me by the comedic stylings of one Dan Clark.

I'm not naturally a wrathful person, my philosophy being generally maim-and-let-maim, and let bygones be bygones; so it was an understandable shock to experience the work of a spirit so antagonistic to my own. How Not To Live Your Life is plainly the work of a vicious, brutal bully, who, desirous to strip the world of all fair-play, decency and Englishness, has, colubrine, blighted our souls with his crippling, festering comedy.

To fully grasp the monotonous violence of Mr Clark's crime, rendered hatefully in sound and moving pictures, consider a victim's response. One does not simply "not laugh" at the discrete events identified as jokes by interminable, SG1-esque reaction shots. No. One unlaughs.

What? Unlaughs, you say? Surely these are the Cromwellian fairies of a puritanical void, a grey, senseless realm of which few poets dared dream? Not the stuff of reality.

Sadly, I would that were true. No, I unlaughed until I could bear to watch no more, each joke stripping forever from me a happy memory, a childhood pratfall or game. Each joke left me less a man, and mankind less a dreamer. I fear to sleep now, lest this comedian's witticisms return in the night and claim the ruins of my soul.

That said, there was one moment that wasn't ear-shaftingly awful - Nick Mohammed's line "On with the show, my rancid little puppets". I liked that. But just as a Nazi commandant is not absolved of his crimes by once choosing organic eggs the supermarket, no single gust of sweet-smelling, rose-petal comedy could redeem the scat pile that is How Not To Live Your Life.

In conclusion, I fully support and endorse any attempts made by those responsible for this thirty minute stain to Not Live Their Lives anymore - Thank you.

MILIéMON - EdRed & DaveBlue REVIEW

That's right kids, it's here! The latest iteration of the eternally popular Miliémon RPG handheld games series hits store shelves next week - but is it revolutionary, evolutionary (Wink - Ed.), or just more of the same? Our in-house Milié-fan investigates...

Like every game in the Miliémon series, the two editions, EdRed and DaveBlue, have some subtle differences, but offer broadly the same experience. As with previous games, some Miliémon are unique to one edition or the other - you'll have to use the Conference Party WiFi mode to swap your collection with other players if you really do want to "catch 'em all".

EdRed edition Box Art

The box art for both editions is typically bold, with each featuring the "legendary" Miliémon you can catch in each game, but EdMilié and DaveMilié are only two of the many new Miliémon available in the game. The designers have really outdone themselves, and graphically-speaking these games represent a new height for the series. For those players disappointed by the failure of BlairYellow and BrownBrown to deliver on the developers' promises of better performance, sharper mechanics and more colourful characters, these new games will restore your faith in the franchise.

DaveBlue edition Box Art

"But what about gameplay?" I hear you cry. Players begin their quest on ConDem island, a totally revamped version of NuLab from the previous games, but don't be put off. The developers and designers have put a lot of effort into distancing themselves from previous games, and the "look and feel" of these new environments really does give a subtle but much-needed boost to the overall experience. Whereas NuLab was "too shiny" in places, ConDem has a more realistic, almost grimy feel - and with many more NPCs offering quests, ranging from finding a few copper pieces so that the NPC can feed his family, to operating offshore tax havens, the scope for player interaction is much greater.

As with any Miliémon game, the first decision the player makes is to choose their starting Miliémon. In EdRed and DaveBlue you have the following familar options (I've included their evolution chains for reference):

Fire/Fighting-type: Starter: Sockalist, 1st Evolution: Actifist, 2nd Evolution: Brawllord

Water type: Starter: Torydrip, 1st Evolution: Consqueeze, 2nd Evolution: Lifepeer

Grass type: Starter: Cutsno, 1st Evolution: Warno, 2nd Evolution: Bono

Each have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'll leave that to you to find out!

In addition to these fresh starter Miliémon, there are many others for players to hunt for. As always, most are easy to catch, but remember that they are generally easier to find in the WestMonster Battlezone than their "home" areas. Some, like Gosborn, need to be coaxed with precious metals, whereas others can only be found using starter Miliémon as "bait", Hayge can only be caught using a Torydrip (or Toryboy starter from the original MajorGrey game).

Here's just a taster of the new Miliémon roaming ConDem island:

Edballz

 And of course:

Dabbott

In addition, some of the issues or errors of previous games have been rectified, with new evolutions for under-powered Miliémon. Many long-term Milié-fans felt that the evolution of Mandlesone to Mandlestwo ruined many "sneak attack"poison/psychic-type strategies - if that sounds familiar, then the new evolution of Mandlethree should be the answer to your prayers. Mandlethree loses the weak MEP psychic attack move, in favour of the very effective Skeleton Cupboard move, capable of paralysing your opponent's Miliémon for several turns.

Mandlethree

Professor Fox makes an appearance, and later in the game can sell the player several powerful items to grant your Miliémon even more battle options; such as the Trident item, giving your Miliémon an area-effect Special Attack.

Overall, EdRed and DaveBlue are a fresh new interpretation of the franchise, whilst staying true to the series' roots. Fans will no doubt be divided as to which edition is better, and traditionalists are, as always, going to prefer the simplicity of earlier games, but EdRed and DaveBlue remain an excellent starting point for new players. No prior experience is required, and literally anyone can jump in and play at the highest level.

Well, that's my Miliémon review - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed playing the game!

DISCLAIMER - I haven't actually finished the game, but it'll probably end just like all the others, with a confusing "final confrontation" with the leader of Team Exocet, Boss Thatcher.

California Gurls - The Sacred Feminine

In the rich esoteric tradition of Paracelsus, Aleister Crowley and Dan Brown, the much-feted white witch Katy Perry publishes her latest tract on alchemical feminism this month. Haiku Panzer Force considers the revolutionary message and impact of "California Gurls - A Treatise In Dialectic And Symbology".

Fecund

Ever-controversial, Mistress Perry engages, in this latest work, the dichotomy between the sacred feminine and the mundane representation of "woman" in popular culture. Unlike previous tracts that have dealt exclusively with the internal relationship between the "Hot" and "Cold" aspects of the psyche, or with the female perception of herself as a physical being "I Kissed A Girl", this work looks outward, exploring and contesting the role of woman in society.

The Modern Woman

Of particular interest is Perry's treatment of representations of "man" in the form of the pimp-wizard. The wizard is depicted as an impotent God, a titanic male with externalised phallus, in the form of a pimp-stick, that is nonetheless thwarted in his attempts to dominate, that is to say "creep a little sneak peak", the figure of woman.

Throughout her allegorical journey, The Woman is faced by iconic representations of herself, each figuring a challenge that must be overcome. These labours are ostensibly random, but the subtext is plain; the rules behind the "game" are devised by the dominating male. Archetypes, imprisioned by the pimp-wizard, are by this mechanism revealed to The Woman, her task being to free them, and in doing so, freeing an aspect of herself. These archetypes each conform to a sub-element of the titular "California Gurl", as follows:

i) The Bubblegum BJ Pro
ii) The Absinthe Jello Whore
iii)The Cellophane Slut

Prologued by The Man's display of impotent rage at The Woman's progress, an erotically-charged, triumphal dance begins, with much emphasis place on the thrusting, gyrating hips. This display marks the entry, or "penetration" of the Pimp-Wizard into The Woman's sphere. His is no longer a dictatorial, distant deity - he engages directly, though not as an equal, but as an advocate. By first gathering aspects of oneself, and then submitting them as "evidence", Mistress Perry conciously echoes an earlier form of esoteric virtue/vice allegory (cf. Robert A. Potter, The English Morality Play: Origins, History, and Influence of a Dramatic Tradition).

The conventional mode is turned rectoverso now, as the God/Pimp Wizard becomes an actor in the drama, we, the passive audience, must sit in judgement. Battle lines are drawn, as The Woman's collected "attributes" arm her for the final confrontation. The release is codified as an ecstacy, a victory of ladyjuice over the Manseed, as represented by Jelly Bears.

Reverse Insemination as Castration

Fully impotent now, his seed extingushed, the Pimp-Wizard symbolically removes his phallus in submission, a voluntary castration. Reduced to a head, a double metaphor for the only male part(s) a female desires, the victory of Woman is complete, and total.

No doubt Mistress Perry's magnum opus, "California Gurls" is an epochal work, an inescapable locus for esoteric feminist literature for the foreseeable future. Unlike some commentators, Perry captures not only the philosophical aspect of this debate "All the boys; Bangin' out; All that ass; Hangin' out", but also, and crucially, its human heart. A fitting coda, the warmth and depth of her prose is best illustrated with these following lines:

Westcoast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

Miller’s Penis and Testicle Exhibit

Darren Miller to exhibit his penis and testicles at the Swiss Cottage Gym in London

Miller's penis and testicles are rarely seen in public but recently he has been exposing them to the fresh changing room air on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings with the occasional outing on a Sunday.

If you catch him at the right time, you will see Miller stood facing the lockers as he tentatively unfastens his belt, unbuttons his trousers (often fashionable 'denims') and then he will hurriedly lower them along with his underpants (generally a snug fitting trunk) leaving his flaccid penis on display for all to see whilst he scrambles for a towel. If you can tear your eyes away from Darren Miller's penis and testicles you may notice his downturned eyes and expression of solemn concentration as he performs the display.

When asked why he chose now to reveal his penis and testicles, Miller simply furrowed his brow and clutched his towel a little tighter to his damp, trembling body. And he's right; the baring of his penis and testicles should be enigmatic, like Picasso's Guernica... what's that about? Probably nothing.

Rumour has it that Miller often follows the ritual with a shower, allegedly washing the aforementioned penis and testicles with soapy water but we have it on good authority that he does NOT like you to follow him in.

Entry may require the purchase of a gym membership. Expect queues.

All next week, local man Darren Miller will be revealing his penis and testicles in the changing rooms of the Swiss Cottage Gym and everyone's invited! Everyone that is male because the changing rooms are the male changing rooms.

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