The Royal Wedding - Honeymoon Update (EDITED, MUST FIX)

As festivities honouring the wedding of Miss Kate Middleton (plebian) you've done this joke already - Ed. to Prince Adam of Eternia fade into legend (not obscure enough, try something from dinoriders - Ed.), the lazy eye of the festering masses turns its ravenous too many adjectives - Ed. gaze to...

"The Royal Honeymoon"

Miscellaneous Royal Wedding Photo. Photoshop something, you lazy arse - Ed.

Where are the Royal couple going on their Honeymoon? Will they 'hit the clubs'? What will be inserted where? And with who watching? (too much - Ed.) Haiku investigates:

When He-Man rescued the Kate "the reasonably attractive peasant" (doesn't work - Ed.) Middleton from the clutches of Skeletor, observers commented on their mutual attraction, some going so far as to suggest the 'roided warrior our reader(s) are dumb, this needs a set-up  - Ed. may finally ditch that She-Ra chick and settle down. But it was not to be.

Prince Adam, ex-batchelor and non-bro.

Prince Adam of Eternia, the swaggering lady-boy prince of velvet beanbags, swooped in, all teeth and tailoring, and seduced Kate away from the Peoples' He-ro. Needless to say, Man-At-Arms was surprised. (too much - Ed.)


insert photo of man-at-arms surprised, or Tom Selleck

The Royal Wedding was a unprecedented PR success however, rehabilitating Prince Adam of Eternia's public image, along with that of the whole royal family. He-Man failed to RSVP, citing in the press his need to 'groom the Battlecat' (could this be funnier, e.g. rape the Orko? - Ed.); but even the no-show of nation-favourite soldier-saint He-Man (yeah, I get it, lots of hyphens - Ed.) could not bruise the celebration. David Beckham Rowan Atkinson , a close friend of He-Man, was quote as saying "He's missed She-Kate, but He's a tough guy. Have you seen those glistening muscles? He'll get over it."

Polls suggest that Prince Adam of Eternia's ratings have increased tenfold after the Royal Wedding, to 5% public approval, with 15% of the shivering, plague-bearing public agreeing that Prince Adam was "slightly not gay, possibly", up from 1% a month ago.  (Rewrite this whole segment, much too obvious - Ed.)With the Honeymoon looming, Royal PR have the opportunity to build on that success, potentially transforming Prince Adam of Eternia into a figure who the cretinous, bottom-feeding public could, if not 'like', then at least 'tolerate'.

But where will the newest Royal be taken on her honeymoon? If the Prince takes her somewhere warm and wet, they should both have a great time - A tropical destination should provide some great photo ops, and the Prince is well known for his 'jungle fever' and love of exploration. (I see what you're doing here, and it's not funny. This is the f*cking Royal Family we're talking about here. You can't go around writing innappropriate sex jokes. This is supposed to be a family blog. - Ed.) But what happens if she gets taken bummed somewhere less conventional? There are a number of places the Princess chould be taken that would raise eyebrows.

Taking a look at the bookies' list of likely destinations, the Prince may take the unpredictable option, and choose to take her somewhere near the bottom. (contrived, fix this - Ed.) Will she enjoy it? The Prince isn't known for "slumming it" in a dirty hole (Really? REALLY? - Ed.) - but in an effort to reconnect with the nation's youth, perhaps Kate will be willing to suffer a little discomfort?

Pundits eagerly await the chance to analyse the Royals.

("analyse"? You're fired. - Ed.)

Team Time Team Time Teambuilding Time Today!

Looking to replicate the "Team Time Team Time Management Management Dynamic" in your own business?

This time on Haiku Biz Tips, Haiku Biz Tips tips its hat at Time Team's dynamic team dynamic, as Team Time Team team-up to present present Time Team Teambuilding tips.

TOP TIP #1

Have a "Tony Robinson" - Easier than it sounds, but easy to miss. Every team needs a charming good-luck charm/everyman. Time Team's Tony is Tony himself. Who's the Tony in your business?

Tony's Tony is a tiny tessellate tile tip.

TOP TIP TWO (#2)

Phil 'em up! - Energetic enthusiasm essential for any project isn't easy to encourage. Follow Team Time Team encasing enthusiastic energy entirely in a Phil. Fill Phil full of fulfilling philippic fire for fearful full effect, effectively confounding competitors.

The very model of a modern major general. In cutoffs.

TOP TIP TRES (#3)

Hire "that guy" - Time Team's roaming Roman rover rarely reveals relevancies such as to advertise his utility, "that guy" guards 'gainst when that unexpected outcome comes. His skillset kills that threat unknown until too late, his fate to wait useless unless the unplanned for and unforeseen is seen. Also, he knows about Spitfires.

You know. That guy.

PHOTO: TIME FOR THE TEAM TIME TEAM TEAM PHOTO

In time, your team can team-up to timely manage deadlines, dig trenches, and maximise profit/knowledge, just like Team Time Team!

The Bourgeoisie's own gravediggers.

NEXT TIME:

Next time, for Project Runway Runaway Project Management Success, see you next time!

See you next time!

Census 2011: Give The Beardless A Voice

IF YOU'RE NOT HIRSUTE,

FOR GILLETTE PROGLIDE™'S SAKE SAY SO

Haiku proudly supports the "No Beard" Census Campaign.

Time For A Close Shave?

Why You Should Tick "No Beard" In 2011 If You're Beardless

It's very important that people answer the question on what kind of beard you have, despite the fact that it is optional. We understand that your style of beard may be personal, or private, and we respect the right of people to wear their beards in secret, or behind an opaque beard-sheath.

However, we strongly advise people to tick the "No Beard" box, because:

1. It is important that the census generates accurate figures. This data is used to allocate limited resources, such as combs, pomade and women. The more people who tick "No Beards", the less inaccurate evidence there is to suggest the government should listen to bearded lunatics.
2. There will be no personal negative repercussions if you do. The Hairychins will not sneak into your quiet place and steal your teeth.
3. This may be the last census ever taken. The Curly Old Ones wait between the stars. They approach!

The Elder Shoggoth Greets His Mustachioed Herald

If You Tick "Moustache" Out Of Habit, Here's Why You Should Rethink

The Office of National Hair (ONH), government lint inspectors and other equality bodies have all recognised there is a problem with the Census statistics on beard-style. Other than beard length, what is being measured? Is it-

• Beard Length?
• What do people believe?
• Circumference of moustache curl?

The leading question "What kind of beard do you have?" meant that lots of people chose "Franz Josef" even though they do grow hair on their chin, are female, or both.

After the 2001 census, figures were collected to justify the following policies:

• National Mutton-Chop Awareness Month
• Commissioning BBC Radio 4's topical quiz "Beardly, Beardly Beard Buzz"
• Brian Blessed
• Construction of The Goatee'd Angel of the North-North-East
• Public funding of "interbeard" schools and youth centres

By selecting "Hollywoodian" you'll be supporting an agenda that may affect you negatively in future. For example, local social clubs and salons may be "beard-only", but your pubescent tufts not "beard" enough to grant entry or membership.

FAQ: Lambchop? Soul Patch? Garibaldi? What If I'm A Woman?

I am Handlebar by extraction, but do not practice regular waxing. Should I tick "Handlebar"?
No, your flaccid tips betray your lassitude, condemning you to a life of unruly Mexican bushiness.

Is there a "Designer Stubble" box to tick?
Yes. It's found under the orientation question, and is labelled "Gay".

I wrote "Jedi" last time. Should I do this again?
We understand this is a form of protest for failing to understand topical and/or substantive issues generally, and for wasting tax-payers money under the mistaken impression that you are some kind of radical. We understand this. And we pity you.

Doesn't God have a beard?

Yes, but in his omnibarbate luxury, he also does not have a beard. He also only/also has a moustache. This is what is meant by "The Holy Trinity".

THANK YOU, AND BE(ARD)WARE!

REMEMBER - "NO BEARD" MEANS "MO' FREEDOM"

New Year's Fez-olutions 2011

Why? Because fezzes are cool.

That's Doctor Who, that is.

 Right, now that's got the attention of almost nobody, we may begin...

WELCOME TO

2011 TWO-IZZLE-OH-LIZ-EV-EN 2011

INTERNETS!

As is the custom for all blogs, everywhere, we humbly submit a list of self-promoting guff, taking the form of a blog-subject-matter-driven "New Year's Resolution" feature. As this blog's subject matter is generally a heady brew of bile, spite and dementia, readers should be warned that expectations of utility, or indeed legibility, are as unwise as they are unwarranted.

Presenting:

Your Haiku 2011 New Year Resolution List Solution

1. Join more cults (both millenarian and celebrity, e.g. Church Of The Latter Day Kardashians)
2. Discover a lost Amazonian tribe who communicate solely through the language... of love.
3. Prove conclusively that hamsters, earthworms and glue can be jury rigged to make a Rat King (as depicted in that A-Team episode, you know the one)
4. Dance, dance, wherever you may be.
5. In alphabetical order, write a book about your favourite organs, starting with the appendix.
6. Meet your heroes, the cast of cancelled NBC show, Heroes.
7. Wear a fez.
8. Start a beautiful friendship.
9. Play it again, Sam.
10. Compete in the upcoming Musical Reality Show Contest, Britain's Next Top-ol
11. Topple a government, install a puppet ruler, help puppet ruler escape from inside a whale and become a real ruler.
    
12. Learn to read palms.
13. Learn to read.
14. With the aid of the Black Arts, re-form the Jackson Five.
15. Repeat ad infinitum.

We hope that you found this list useful - and who knows, it may have even triggered some thoughts for resolutions of your own! Just remember, everyone's resolutions must be unique. If there is evidence of any plagarism, we'll have to start the year all over again, with a maximum pass mark of 50%.

Happy New Year, you sons of motherless dogs!

How The $#!* Did This Get Made?

In today's How The $#!* Did This Get Made?, we take a look at BBC Three television programme How Not To Live Your Life.

How Not To Live Your Life then? If you are an aspiring writer/actor/director, exactly like this:

Hieronymus Bosch (c. 1511)

 If you desire to be damned as devil-spawn, to be spurned by your fellow man, to be whipped and beaten and cast out like Connor MacLeod, then this effort, this turd-sodden quiche of a show, offers an unsurpassed guide as to how to live your life, both in content and execution.

How (Not) To Live Your Life:

1. Through witchcraft, dominate the minds of the BBC's team responsible for the commissioning of comedy.
2. Dip an ant's feet in ink, as per the BBC's submission guidelines.
3. Release said ant onto 90 gsm.
4. Send result to brainwashed team, with an offer to play the lead.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I bore witness to proof that the above method not only works, but results in recommissioning. There are now three whole series.

THREE. MIND-UNSPOOLING. SERIES.

Disclaimer: I could only watch for a few minutes, at which point the aneurysms became too frequent to continue. I apologise to all concerned if the remaining 5/6ths were 21st Century Shakespeare.

Around the 00:01:00 mark, I questioned what sins I had committed that would deserve such brain-fisting torment. Surely no God was this vengeful? And yet, Dante could not have envisioned Brutus in worse agony than that served upon me by the comedic stylings of one Dan Clark.

I'm not naturally a wrathful person, my philosophy being generally maim-and-let-maim, and let bygones be bygones; so it was an understandable shock to experience the work of a spirit so antagonistic to my own. How Not To Live Your Life is plainly the work of a vicious, brutal bully, who, desirous to strip the world of all fair-play, decency and Englishness, has, colubrine, blighted our souls with his crippling, festering comedy.

To fully grasp the monotonous violence of Mr Clark's crime, rendered hatefully in sound and moving pictures, consider a victim's response. One does not simply "not laugh" at the discrete events identified as jokes by interminable, SG1-esque reaction shots. No. One unlaughs.

What? Unlaughs, you say? Surely these are the Cromwellian fairies of a puritanical void, a grey, senseless realm of which few poets dared dream? Not the stuff of reality.

Sadly, I would that were true. No, I unlaughed until I could bear to watch no more, each joke stripping forever from me a happy memory, a childhood pratfall or game. Each joke left me less a man, and mankind less a dreamer. I fear to sleep now, lest this comedian's witticisms return in the night and claim the ruins of my soul.

That said, there was one moment that wasn't ear-shaftingly awful - Nick Mohammed's line "On with the show, my rancid little puppets". I liked that. But just as a Nazi commandant is not absolved of his crimes by once choosing organic eggs the supermarket, no single gust of sweet-smelling, rose-petal comedy could redeem the scat pile that is How Not To Live Your Life.

In conclusion, I fully support and endorse any attempts made by those responsible for this thirty minute stain to Not Live Their Lives anymore - Thank you.

Get More Twitter Followers - 5 Easy Tips

Who loves ya baby?

NO ONE.

No one loves you, because no one loves you. No one follows you, because no one follows you. Yet some people have followers, so why not you? It's not fair, is it?

But don't cry into you soup! Today's edition of 5 EASY TIPS will solve all of you Twitter-twoes.

Why don't you have followers? Surely it can't be because you're ugly, or short, or one chromosome short of a full set. Of course, you are all of those things, but your profile pic is Adam West's Batman, so these can't be the reasons. Why else? These 5 EASY TIPS will help cure the hideous disease that is unpopularity:

1. FIAT LUX

Twitter, like "RL", is a popularity contest, and just like "RL", you need popularity to get more. Where do you start then? How can something come from nothing? It's a paradox built in to the fabric of the universe. And the solution, the missing ingredient, is God.

EASY TIP: Become a fundamentalist Christian. Regularly tweet the beneficent effects of Jesus's love, and they'll come a flockin'.

2. SEXY SEXY TIME

The only thing more e-liberating than being an anonymous 20-something male is being an anonymous 20-something male being an anonymous teenage girl, on the cusp of womanhood. Anonymously. The erotic frisson created by the brief, tentative steps of a fey innocent into the brusque tworld of men will guarantee an instant, slobbering following.

EASY TIP: Big eyes, barest hint of decolletage, perhaps a photoshopped blue tint. Name yourself "LittleMinx93" or similar.

3. RAW, UNBRIDLED API ABUSE

You know that app you should be using for Twitter? TweetDeck, Seesmic etc? Don't just use it occassionally, as you would twitter.com; abuse it. Ruin it. Bash out those tweets, skullfu*REDACTED* those #FF lists, follow like a bitch, and be DMn' like you be BMn' after a curry. Create opportunities for the twitterverse to ignore you, but in more invasive, irritating ways. You will break their will eventually and they'll follow out of exhaustion.

EASY TIP: Don't stop tweeting until you either a) get an "API limit reached" message or b) the ends of your fingers are bloody and raw.

4. STARLIGHT, STARBRIGHT!

@StephenFry has more followers than their are people on Earth. How? Is it because he's a raconteur par excellence? Because he has a big, gay wit? No. @StephenFry has more followers than there are atoms in the sun, because he is a celebrity. But isn't celebritying hard? Nope!

EASY TIP: Publish a series of epochal memoirs, each in turn winning you a Nobel prize, and collectively becoming the definitve literary and cultural contribution of our age.

5. BE A LOVER, NOT A HATER

Reciprocity: the Golden Rule, the fundamental foundation of ethical philosophy, human rights, and civilisation. Before you can expect your fellow man to follow, you must love your fellow man. Smother him with LOL's and RT's, <3's and LMFAO's. Sing his praises to others, at random. #FF him constantly, all week long. Tweet unto others as you would have them tweet to you.

EASY TIP: Pick a target. RT their every message. @ them photoshopped images of your profile pics holding hands, and making love. Repeat ad infinitum.

It's all so EASY (TIPS) now, isn't it? Go forth and become the King of Twitter!

That's all for this week. We'll see you next time, for another 5 EASY TIPS!

Y'all Don't Know Shit bout Paul McCartney: 3 Fun Facts about the man with the golden thumbs

I feel I must reiterate the sentiments of the title, y'all really don't know shit about Paul McCartney. Now the problem with that is y'all think you know about Paul McCartney, but y'all don't know shit about Paul McCartney. Read on for more.

Fact Number 1: Paul McCartney's Biggest Regret

Paul McCartney is kept awake at night with the knowledge that he could have won any argument with Heather Mills by calling her a "unicycle." Said Sir Paul; "It implies she is a lady of easy virtue whilst also making fun of her for having one of something there is normally two of, I never said it because I thought it would make her feel bad... it's really not that clever but I think it would have worked in a crude sort of way."

Fact Number 2: Paul McCartney's Wall of Shame

Approximately twice a month, Sir Paul McCartney slips out under the cover of darkness bringing with him a paint roller and a tub of egg shell Dulux paint, and makes his way on his bicycle (with two wheels) to Abbey Road Studios to paint over the graffiti on the wall where Beatles fans compose asinine tributes to a band that everybody likes at least one song of. "Why don't we assume that everybody likes the Beatles and we can stop defacing this lovely knee-high wall?" quoth Sir Paul, " They always pick the worst lyrics to write up there too, you know, the really mawkish ones that don't really mean anything. Then they draw a peace sign because they're German or Spanish and they think that's cool because it's still 1991 over there" Racist.

Fact Number 3: Paul McCartney's Christmas Wonderful Time

Few people know this but Sir Paul McCartney wrote the greatest Christmas song ever composed, recorded it and then destroyed the tape using a high powered magnet. Having completely forgotten everything he had done the night before, Sir Paul attempted to re-write the song by asking his neighbors what it sounded like and forcing them to nervously sing into a dictophone any parts they were able to remember. The result was the second greatest Christmas song ever composed.

Until next time...

"Straight from the Can": The Filmmaking Secret that the Studios don't want you to know

Hello? Hello? CAN you hear me? THROUGH THESE CANS?

You're a screenwriter, right? Sure, everyone is. And you read some pretty deep shit, yeah? Yeah you do. That's why you're a screenwriter. Also it's because when you saw 'Lawrence of Arabia' when you were 4 years old it was the most intense experience of your entire life.

So all the pieces are in place but why isn't anyone getting back to me about my spec script for Spooks?

It's the question that niggles at the back of everyone's mind, especially when they've just sent off a spec script for 'Spooks'. Or Luther.

Well listen up "writers", because you're about to uncover the truth you've known all along but couldn't quite put into words. The one tip that will help you take it to the next level, the one sure-fire way to get that writing job on 'Hustle.' It's name? ... The 'Straight from the Can' Technique.

The Straight from the Can Technique, alternatively known as "SftC", "Recluse and Beans" or "Fork in the Tin". And you've probably seen it countless films, TV shows... you might even have done it in real life. (I'm sorry if you have.)

Here's the scenario; you've got a character who doesn't fit in; an outcast, a freak... doesn't fit in. An Outsider. But how do you show he's an outsider? How do you show he's an outsider without having someone actually call him an outsider. You go Straight from the Can, or to spell it out for you; You show him in an empty flat eating beans directly from  can, staring vacantly at static on a TV screen. And it's done. You already know everything you need to know about this character and you can get on with that slick banter you're so good at.

What's on? NOTHING.

So what do we know? Everything. He doesn't have plates. But he does have a fork. And a can opener. But he doesn't have plates. He might have opened it with a knife? Doesn't matter. The TV static shows he is disconnected from society like the TV is disconnected from the aerial. Whereas the beans are the most pathetic thing a man can eat from a can, even tinned ravioli retains some shred of continental dignity. He should also have a gaunt face. Like John Hannah, but moreso. And he should be sat in a fishing chair with no other furniture. If you really want to WOW those bigwigs at Broadcasting House, give the audience a glimpse of other open cans on the floor around the chair - He's done it before. Maybe even today. Is that why he's so gaunt? Probably.

Extra flourishes are always welcome; hunting knife, bomber jacket and if you're feeling like showing off, have him wearing fingerless gloves. Loner.

I do not know who this man is but I already care!

You can use it in anything, there's not a film been made that couldn't have been improved by a SftC scene. But the one thing you must remeber is You Must Never Try It Yourself. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but it's a dangerous road to go down. Why'd you think Mickey Rourke was offscreen for so many years? Method Acting.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you this?

Does not work with female characters.

Cameron: "Nobody is Ready for the Death Race"

David Cameron has been touring driving schools up at down the country in an attempt to get instructors to "wise up to the very real prospect of me declaring a Death Race in order to bring order to society gone mad."

Cameron is concerned not only for the safety of the drivers in the possible Death Race, but also for the spectacle of the televised broadcasts. "The sad fact is that most people are afraid to die, whether that be in a spectacular fireball or just by being clubbed to death by a leather clad competitor who has leaped from one car to another with some kind of mace, and let me tell you - that leads to some pretty faggy driving"

Naturally the mainstream press have been more shocked by the PM using the term 'Faggy' in 2010 than his idea to teach new drivers to handle a blunderbuss whilst performing a three-point-turn, Cameron's immediate  response was "Of course I know it's 2010, that's why I'm trying to get you to attach barbed wire to your car doors! Help me help you!"

Critics have declared that Cameron has already lost touch with the common man, noting that Death Races are unlikely to bring order to society that is so intent on not being on fire "Well you won't police yourselves! What am I supposed to do? The problem is that you don't fear me, and that's my fault because I've let that slip but once you've had your exploding neck collars fitted you'll either get in line or get to the starting line" (He leaned forwards to say that loudly into a microphone)

But what is Cameron going to do whilst we're all having Death Races/Policing ourselves? "I shall be watching over you from my Vertibird occasionally dropping what I will henceforth refer to as Power-Ups such as new weapons, Turbo Boosts and occasional cash bonuses, you'll have to earn them of course with superior driving skills and wanton carnage"

Cameron will be on tour till September.

People Are The New Vampires

Hollywood, CA

The film industry is having a rough week. Not only has the latest installment of the Twilight franchise, Eclipse, sold fewer than 7 tickets on its opening night, two studies published earlier this month confirm that vampire love is no longer de rigueur. When asked if they would let a lusty vampire man, born in the 19th century, impregnate them with a hellfoetus, an overwhelming 87% of respondents chose "Unlikely" or "Highly Unlikely". By comparison, when asked the same question last Summer, 93% of respondents chose "Highly Likely" or "In all three holes".

So shiny immortals will soon be gone forever from our silver screens; and yet it seems that the next "big thing" in movies is just around the corner. After several recent hits on the Times Bestsellers list featured prominently human characters, studios are betting that this wave of people popularity will soon hit the mainstream, with several anthropocentric flicks already in production.

The Expendables, on general release later this year, features a cast of persons displaying no significant vampiric or lycanthropic tendencies. "We believe audiences are eager to reconnect with the familiar story of a gang of renegade mercenaries who attempt to free a small country from the grasp of tyranny," said Jon Feltheimer, CEO of Lions Gate, "none of whom are vampires."

Just Go With It, an Adam Sandler vehicle set for early 2011, has taken a similar path; "We thought about doing vampires, sure, but something told us that there were enough VamRomComs on the market." Sandler told Variety, "So we did this instead. You know," he continued "there are stories you can't tell with a vampire. Like, they can't go on a redemptive journey, because a vampire is an unholy abomination in the eyes of God."

Vampires are out, and people are in. Like zombies, gladiators and underage pregnancies, the blood-suckers have fallen from favour in the eyes of the fickle public. But what about mankind? How long before they too are extinguished from the celluloid zeitgeist? Alan Cliffe, CEO of Dover Demographics, believes his company have the answer; "People have two, three years tops. Then it's apes."

World Cup Wonders

"Everyone's talking about the World Cup" - Join the debate, at World Cup Wonders.

In today's World Cup Wonders, we reveal some of the lighter behind-the-scenes moments of the 2010 tournament; magic moments forever etched on the goalposts of history. Here's five fun facts you won't find on the back page - Let's get Wondering!

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1. URUGUAY coach Oscar Tabarez may have led his squad of brave, ambiguously ethnic men to the top of Group A, but DID YOU KNOW that Tabarez is the also the first son of Huitzilopochtli, the left-handed hummingbird god of the sun? Born in 1307, Tabarez was forever exiled from the fabled city of Tenochtitlan on his 18th birthday for hiding the great Lake Xochimilco from the water-dwelling dog-monkey, Ahuizotl.

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2. DID YOU KNOW that Japanese defender Marcus Tulio Tanaka is renowned in his
homeland for his cutlery-related japes? Unknown in Japan until the late 19th century, forks are held by many Japanese to be an ill omen - but not for Tanaka! In his first international game, the wily defender slipped a sterling three-tined affair into goalie Shaka Hislop's sock, causing the Trinidadian considerable discomfort - the strategy was a success, and Tanaka's been hiding forks ever since! Hislop later died of his injuries.

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3. NIGHTINGALES' EGGS were commonly used during the Tang dynasty to play cuju; the game what would one day be known as "Football". The graceful creatures would rarely surrender their young willingly, leading to a mutual antipathy between songbirds and Chinamen that continues today. Games would last for anything up to a minute, with many ending in a tie.

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4. DUTCH players must take regular lead supplements to counteract the effects of the rarefied Table Mountain air on their lowland constitutions. Midfielder Orlando Engelaar was dropped from the 2010 squad after quite literally evaporating during an early morning run. RUMOUR HAS IT that coach Bert Van Marwijk requested for Engelaar's essence to be pumped into the ball before each match, perhaps leading to the Dutch team's current run of form.

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5. FIFA PRESIDENT Sepp Blatter was owned by Leonardo da Vinci; the Florentine polymath won him from a rival artist after a fierce duel outside the gates of Milan. Spending much of the following centuries in the hands of private French collections, Blatter was smuggled to England during the Napoleonic Wars, where he remains to this day, hanging in the Sainsbury Wing of the National Gallery.

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Keep Wondering Wonder-fans!