Matt Cardle invests £1.3m into scheme to ensure that Fame won't change Matt Cardle

I'll bite my tongue to avoid saying something not 'real'

Such is X-Factor winner Matt Cardle's desire to "keep it real" that he has gone to new and extraordinary lengths to maintain a level of "groundedness" that will endear him to the people; "the very fact that I used the word groundedness proves that my grasp of grammar hasn't changed since before the X-Factor, I am still the same, also I often swear"

Key to the lumbering iguana's grounding scheme is "realness advisor" Alan Cliffe, who Matt has hired to be on hand 24 hours a day, observing what Matt says and does and then, using a bespoke electronic realness-moderation system, Cliffe is then able to rate how real Matt is keeping it and upload the results to Matt's Realness Analytics Centre which will provide up to the minute stats on how well Matt is performing and offer tell-tale clues as to whether the big fucking meat neck has, in fact, been changed by fame. "Think of it as a sort of reality thermometer if you will" says Matt "... or a reality barometer... a barometer measures pressure... I'm under a lot of pressure lately" 

Matt will also be maintaining a level of real-ness by continuing to work as a painter decorator, thought he will not be decorating the houses of the public as he would be at risk of being recognised as the X-Factor winner and plummeting into an "ego canyon". Instead, Matt will be contracted to gradually work his way through a dilapidated 38 room mansion in the South West of England, decorating each room in turn, to the specifications of hired actors playing the role of unimpressed home-owners. Said Alan Cliffe; "once he's finished one room we just rip the wallpaper off, piss all over the skirting boards and wait for him to come round to it again. It is my belief that monotony is key to maintaining a link to your roots. That and ugly women." 

Actors will also be hired to fill a fake job centre, which is located underground in a secret location  for Matt to gain experience in trying to find work during these supposedly tough economic times. "Matt will be queueing, printing off job descriptions, talking to advisers and smoking outside with other job seekers. The fact that no one has thought of this before just goes to show how serious Matt Cardle is about remaining normal." 

And should Cardle fail to maintain grounded as the amounts roll in? "I will shoot him" says Cliffe, "I will not hesitate to put him down"

In other news, Matt Cardle has written a book.