Census 2011: Give The Beardless A Voice

IF YOU'RE NOT HIRSUTE,

FOR GILLETTE PROGLIDE™'S SAKE SAY SO

Haiku proudly supports the "No Beard" Census Campaign.

Time For A Close Shave?

Why You Should Tick "No Beard" In 2011 If You're Beardless

It's very important that people answer the question on what kind of beard you have, despite the fact that it is optional. We understand that your style of beard may be personal, or private, and we respect the right of people to wear their beards in secret, or behind an opaque beard-sheath.

However, we strongly advise people to tick the "No Beard" box, because:

1. It is important that the census generates accurate figures. This data is used to allocate limited resources, such as combs, pomade and women. The more people who tick "No Beards", the less inaccurate evidence there is to suggest the government should listen to bearded lunatics.
2. There will be no personal negative repercussions if you do. The Hairychins will not sneak into your quiet place and steal your teeth.
3. This may be the last census ever taken. The Curly Old Ones wait between the stars. They approach!

The Elder Shoggoth Greets His Mustachioed Herald

If You Tick "Moustache" Out Of Habit, Here's Why You Should Rethink

The Office of National Hair (ONH), government lint inspectors and other equality bodies have all recognised there is a problem with the Census statistics on beard-style. Other than beard length, what is being measured? Is it-

• Beard Length?
• What do people believe?
• Circumference of moustache curl?

The leading question "What kind of beard do you have?" meant that lots of people chose "Franz Josef" even though they do grow hair on their chin, are female, or both.

After the 2001 census, figures were collected to justify the following policies:

• National Mutton-Chop Awareness Month
• Commissioning BBC Radio 4's topical quiz "Beardly, Beardly Beard Buzz"
• Brian Blessed
• Construction of The Goatee'd Angel of the North-North-East
• Public funding of "interbeard" schools and youth centres

By selecting "Hollywoodian" you'll be supporting an agenda that may affect you negatively in future. For example, local social clubs and salons may be "beard-only", but your pubescent tufts not "beard" enough to grant entry or membership.

FAQ: Lambchop? Soul Patch? Garibaldi? What If I'm A Woman?

I am Handlebar by extraction, but do not practice regular waxing. Should I tick "Handlebar"?
No, your flaccid tips betray your lassitude, condemning you to a life of unruly Mexican bushiness.

Is there a "Designer Stubble" box to tick?
Yes. It's found under the orientation question, and is labelled "Gay".

I wrote "Jedi" last time. Should I do this again?
We understand this is a form of protest for failing to understand topical and/or substantive issues generally, and for wasting tax-payers money under the mistaken impression that you are some kind of radical. We understand this. And we pity you.

Doesn't God have a beard?

Yes, but in his omnibarbate luxury, he also does not have a beard. He also only/also has a moustache. This is what is meant by "The Holy Trinity".

THANK YOU, AND BE(ARD)WARE!

REMEMBER - "NO BEARD" MEANS "MO' FREEDOM"

MILIéMON - EdRed & DaveBlue REVIEW

That's right kids, it's here! The latest iteration of the eternally popular Miliémon RPG handheld games series hits store shelves next week - but is it revolutionary, evolutionary (Wink - Ed.), or just more of the same? Our in-house Milié-fan investigates...

Like every game in the Miliémon series, the two editions, EdRed and DaveBlue, have some subtle differences, but offer broadly the same experience. As with previous games, some Miliémon are unique to one edition or the other - you'll have to use the Conference Party WiFi mode to swap your collection with other players if you really do want to "catch 'em all".

EdRed edition Box Art

The box art for both editions is typically bold, with each featuring the "legendary" Miliémon you can catch in each game, but EdMilié and DaveMilié are only two of the many new Miliémon available in the game. The designers have really outdone themselves, and graphically-speaking these games represent a new height for the series. For those players disappointed by the failure of BlairYellow and BrownBrown to deliver on the developers' promises of better performance, sharper mechanics and more colourful characters, these new games will restore your faith in the franchise.

DaveBlue edition Box Art

"But what about gameplay?" I hear you cry. Players begin their quest on ConDem island, a totally revamped version of NuLab from the previous games, but don't be put off. The developers and designers have put a lot of effort into distancing themselves from previous games, and the "look and feel" of these new environments really does give a subtle but much-needed boost to the overall experience. Whereas NuLab was "too shiny" in places, ConDem has a more realistic, almost grimy feel - and with many more NPCs offering quests, ranging from finding a few copper pieces so that the NPC can feed his family, to operating offshore tax havens, the scope for player interaction is much greater.

As with any Miliémon game, the first decision the player makes is to choose their starting Miliémon. In EdRed and DaveBlue you have the following familar options (I've included their evolution chains for reference):

Fire/Fighting-type: Starter: Sockalist, 1st Evolution: Actifist, 2nd Evolution: Brawllord

Water type: Starter: Torydrip, 1st Evolution: Consqueeze, 2nd Evolution: Lifepeer

Grass type: Starter: Cutsno, 1st Evolution: Warno, 2nd Evolution: Bono

Each have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'll leave that to you to find out!

In addition to these fresh starter Miliémon, there are many others for players to hunt for. As always, most are easy to catch, but remember that they are generally easier to find in the WestMonster Battlezone than their "home" areas. Some, like Gosborn, need to be coaxed with precious metals, whereas others can only be found using starter Miliémon as "bait", Hayge can only be caught using a Torydrip (or Toryboy starter from the original MajorGrey game).

Here's just a taster of the new Miliémon roaming ConDem island:

Edballz

 And of course:

Dabbott

In addition, some of the issues or errors of previous games have been rectified, with new evolutions for under-powered Miliémon. Many long-term Milié-fans felt that the evolution of Mandlesone to Mandlestwo ruined many "sneak attack"poison/psychic-type strategies - if that sounds familiar, then the new evolution of Mandlethree should be the answer to your prayers. Mandlethree loses the weak MEP psychic attack move, in favour of the very effective Skeleton Cupboard move, capable of paralysing your opponent's Miliémon for several turns.

Mandlethree

Professor Fox makes an appearance, and later in the game can sell the player several powerful items to grant your Miliémon even more battle options; such as the Trident item, giving your Miliémon an area-effect Special Attack.

Overall, EdRed and DaveBlue are a fresh new interpretation of the franchise, whilst staying true to the series' roots. Fans will no doubt be divided as to which edition is better, and traditionalists are, as always, going to prefer the simplicity of earlier games, but EdRed and DaveBlue remain an excellent starting point for new players. No prior experience is required, and literally anyone can jump in and play at the highest level.

Well, that's my Miliémon review - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed playing the game!

DISCLAIMER - I haven't actually finished the game, but it'll probably end just like all the others, with a confusing "final confrontation" with the leader of Team Exocet, Boss Thatcher.