Who loves ya baby?
NO ONE.
No one loves you, because no one loves you. No one follows you, because no one follows you. Yet some people have followers, so why not you? It's not fair, is it?
But don't cry into you soup! Today's edition of 5 EASY TIPS will solve all of you Twitter-twoes.
Why don't you have followers? Surely it can't be because you're ugly, or short, or one chromosome short of a full set. Of course, you are all of those things, but your profile pic is Adam West's Batman, so these can't be the reasons. Why else? These 5 EASY TIPS will help cure the hideous disease that is unpopularity:
1. FIAT LUX
Twitter, like "RL", is a popularity contest, and just like "RL", you need popularity to get more. Where do you start then? How can something come from nothing? It's a paradox built in to the fabric of the universe. And the solution, the missing ingredient, is God.
EASY TIP: Become a fundamentalist Christian. Regularly tweet the beneficent effects of Jesus's love, and they'll come a flockin'.
2. SEXY SEXY TIME
The only thing more e-liberating than being an anonymous 20-something male is being an anonymous 20-something male being an anonymous teenage girl, on the cusp of womanhood. Anonymously. The erotic frisson created by the brief, tentative steps of a fey innocent into the brusque tworld of men will guarantee an instant, slobbering following.
EASY TIP: Big eyes, barest hint of decolletage, perhaps a photoshopped blue tint. Name yourself "LittleMinx93" or similar.
3. RAW, UNBRIDLED API ABUSE
You know that app you should be using for Twitter? TweetDeck, Seesmic etc? Don't just use it occassionally, as you would twitter.com; abuse it. Ruin it. Bash out those tweets, skullfu*REDACTED* those #FF lists, follow like a bitch, and be DMn' like you be BMn' after a curry. Create opportunities for the twitterverse to ignore you, but in more invasive, irritating ways. You will break their will eventually and they'll follow out of exhaustion.
EASY TIP: Don't stop tweeting until you either a) get an "API limit reached" message or b) the ends of your fingers are bloody and raw.
4. STARLIGHT, STARBRIGHT!
@StephenFry has more followers than their are people on Earth. How? Is it because he's a raconteur par excellence? Because he has a big, gay wit? No. @StephenFry has more followers than there are atoms in the sun, because he is a celebrity. But isn't celebritying hard? Nope!
EASY TIP: Publish a series of epochal memoirs, each in turn winning you a Nobel prize, and collectively becoming the definitve literary and cultural contribution of our age.
5. BE A LOVER, NOT A HATER
Reciprocity: the Golden Rule, the fundamental foundation of ethical philosophy, human rights, and civilisation. Before you can expect your fellow man to follow, you must love your fellow man. Smother him with LOL's and RT's, <3's and LMFAO's. Sing his praises to others, at random. #FF him constantly, all week long. Tweet unto others as you would have them tweet to you.
EASY TIP: Pick a target. RT their every message. @ them photoshopped images of your profile pics holding hands, and making love. Repeat ad infinitum.
It's all so EASY (TIPS) now, isn't it? Go forth and become the King of Twitter!
That's all for this week. We'll see you next time, for another 5 EASY TIPS!
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