Wik-wikileaks-Leaks leaked

I'm confident no one has thought of this yet

Following hot on the heals of all those wikis leaking out all over what appears to be the newspapers, leaks indicate that a site called wikiwikileaksleaks (doubledot com) has leaked wikis detailing the Wikileaks leaks and how they came to leak.  For the first time, Joe Public will gain access to documents documenting the documentation of the leaked leaks and get a harrowing glimpse at what condition the wiki leakes leakers are forced to leak under. Joe Public will then probably pass it on to his friends, one of whom might work for a paper and he or she will print them.

Sometimes finding pictures is more work than the words.

Details are already leaking out about working condition in "wikileaks house", lets just say it's not just the plumbing that's leaking. It's also the Wiki's. Here's an example from one of the leaked documents.

MR X: WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

MR Y: [*CLASSIFIED*], SIR.

MR X: HAS IT BEEN LEAKED?


MR Y: NO SIR.

MR X: WELL PULL YOUR DICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LEAK IT!

FX: WATERBOARDING

I'm confident no one's thought of this either, radical.

But what thinks the Government about all this? I asked him; "Whatever gets people to climb out of my ass for 15 minutes is fine-diddly ine by me, I did some heinous shit out there that I can not undo"

Along with a delicious recipe for cooking leeks, discussion of leaking the leak leakers also made it into the leaks.

FX: SHUFFLING "SECRETS"

MR X:  LEAK THIS, THIS TOO... AND THIS AND...

MR Y: WHAT ABOUT THIS?

MR X: WHAT?

MR Y: WHAT WE'RE SAYING NOW.

MR X: WHAT ABOUT IT?

MR Y: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAK IT?

MR X: DO I WANT YOU TO LEAK WHAT WE'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW, OR WHAT WE WERE SAYING BEFORE ABOUT LEAKING OTHER THINGS?

MR Y: THE FIRST ONE, NO... ALL OF IT. BUT... PUT IT THIS WAY, WHAT DON'T YOU WANT ME TO LEAK?

MR X:[*CLASSIFIED*]  

"I can't move for Wikis at the moment"  cries journalist Kale Kiwi, "and it's not just the plumbing that's leaking here... I don't care if you're planning to lead with that, put it in anyway... nobody can own a sentence." Have the leaks compromised National Security? "No, I have full faith in the leaks, I have even leaked my home address to a violent criminal known as Scalp-coat Fister who is yet to show up naked at my patio door as everyone said that he would and, y'know, do his thing."

George Osborne; "prepared" for Christmas Satire

AH HA HA! Oh, I'm sorry, you've caught me at a moment when I was thinking about the similarities between the Chancellor of the Exchequer from Britain's "The Government" and Ebenezer Scrooge from the Bible.

...and laughing. 

Ah ha ha ha.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year and not just because we get to celebrate the time that Jesus defended his house from the 'money lenders' with a complex series of makeshift boo-bee-traps. But because I will no doubt be treated to some biting Scrooge/Osborne themed satire from Hugh Dennis and those other people who do satire.

 It's the one time of year when Radio 4 comedians get to take a break from ending all of their jokes with "ocado delivery van" and can instead make repeated references to the Greatest Story Ever Told.

I saw Hugh Dennis in Waitrose with Sandy Toksvig the other day, they said they were "looking for ideas" so I said, "are you planning on making jokes about George Osborne being like Scrooge this Christmas?"... They went very quiet for a moment and started looking at each other with surprised, happy faces. They hurriedly said "goodbye" and then walked away quickly making whispery phone calls. I think they are planning on doing what I said.



But what thinks George "McDuck" Osborne (satire!) about all of this satire? I did not see him in Waitrose so I could not ask him and I do not have time to wait around in every Waitrose in London hoping for him to come in for some double cream or tiffin (Some of us have jobs (!)) Having said that he is probably prepared, he looks like he is prepared.

What is he hiding in his mouth? Coins? (Satire)

With just weeks to go till Christmas, I am jizzing all over myself with excitement at the thought of walking past a newsstand and seeing a caricature of George Osborne wearing Victorian nightwear, holding a lamp and cowering in front of a previous Chancellor draped in chains. Ah ha ha ha ha. I am not sure who the previous Chancellor will be but that just adds to the excitement. There might even be a witty caption to the effect of "these chains are the national deficit" or something like that, though they may surprise me and make the chains something to do with child benefit. Eeek! How am I going to last the 6 weeks till December? I'm so excited I might just draw it myself. No... no, I mustn't spoil it... be patient.

Just enjoy Autumn, for now.

MILIéMON - EdRed & DaveBlue REVIEW

That's right kids, it's here! The latest iteration of the eternally popular Miliémon RPG handheld games series hits store shelves next week - but is it revolutionary, evolutionary (Wink - Ed.), or just more of the same? Our in-house Milié-fan investigates...

Like every game in the Miliémon series, the two editions, EdRed and DaveBlue, have some subtle differences, but offer broadly the same experience. As with previous games, some Miliémon are unique to one edition or the other - you'll have to use the Conference Party WiFi mode to swap your collection with other players if you really do want to "catch 'em all".

EdRed edition Box Art

The box art for both editions is typically bold, with each featuring the "legendary" Miliémon you can catch in each game, but EdMilié and DaveMilié are only two of the many new Miliémon available in the game. The designers have really outdone themselves, and graphically-speaking these games represent a new height for the series. For those players disappointed by the failure of BlairYellow and BrownBrown to deliver on the developers' promises of better performance, sharper mechanics and more colourful characters, these new games will restore your faith in the franchise.

DaveBlue edition Box Art

"But what about gameplay?" I hear you cry. Players begin their quest on ConDem island, a totally revamped version of NuLab from the previous games, but don't be put off. The developers and designers have put a lot of effort into distancing themselves from previous games, and the "look and feel" of these new environments really does give a subtle but much-needed boost to the overall experience. Whereas NuLab was "too shiny" in places, ConDem has a more realistic, almost grimy feel - and with many more NPCs offering quests, ranging from finding a few copper pieces so that the NPC can feed his family, to operating offshore tax havens, the scope for player interaction is much greater.

As with any Miliémon game, the first decision the player makes is to choose their starting Miliémon. In EdRed and DaveBlue you have the following familar options (I've included their evolution chains for reference):

Fire/Fighting-type: Starter: Sockalist, 1st Evolution: Actifist, 2nd Evolution: Brawllord

Water type: Starter: Torydrip, 1st Evolution: Consqueeze, 2nd Evolution: Lifepeer

Grass type: Starter: Cutsno, 1st Evolution: Warno, 2nd Evolution: Bono

Each have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'll leave that to you to find out!

In addition to these fresh starter Miliémon, there are many others for players to hunt for. As always, most are easy to catch, but remember that they are generally easier to find in the WestMonster Battlezone than their "home" areas. Some, like Gosborn, need to be coaxed with precious metals, whereas others can only be found using starter Miliémon as "bait", Hayge can only be caught using a Torydrip (or Toryboy starter from the original MajorGrey game).

Here's just a taster of the new Miliémon roaming ConDem island:

Edballz

 And of course:

Dabbott

In addition, some of the issues or errors of previous games have been rectified, with new evolutions for under-powered Miliémon. Many long-term Milié-fans felt that the evolution of Mandlesone to Mandlestwo ruined many "sneak attack"poison/psychic-type strategies - if that sounds familiar, then the new evolution of Mandlethree should be the answer to your prayers. Mandlethree loses the weak MEP psychic attack move, in favour of the very effective Skeleton Cupboard move, capable of paralysing your opponent's Miliémon for several turns.

Mandlethree

Professor Fox makes an appearance, and later in the game can sell the player several powerful items to grant your Miliémon even more battle options; such as the Trident item, giving your Miliémon an area-effect Special Attack.

Overall, EdRed and DaveBlue are a fresh new interpretation of the franchise, whilst staying true to the series' roots. Fans will no doubt be divided as to which edition is better, and traditionalists are, as always, going to prefer the simplicity of earlier games, but EdRed and DaveBlue remain an excellent starting point for new players. No prior experience is required, and literally anyone can jump in and play at the highest level.

Well, that's my Miliémon review - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed playing the game!

DISCLAIMER - I haven't actually finished the game, but it'll probably end just like all the others, with a confusing "final confrontation" with the leader of Team Exocet, Boss Thatcher.

What is WITH those Milibands?

With the Labour Leadership race having reached its scintillating climax with younger brother Ed narrowly clinching the title of King of Labour, satirists nationwide have been gripped by one question; what is the deal with these guys faces?

Who will gain the right to call the Prime Minister "Mr Bean"? Ed. It was Ed, everyone knows that now.

I mean what, did they, like, share a birth mother or something? What is with THAT? That means, you know they lived in the same womb, like aliens. They're also like robots. Robots with no emotions, yeah? That grew in the same womb. It's almost as if they were grown like aliens on a farm, they started off small and just got bigger. You know, like the male gamete and the female gamete merged to form a zygote. I got this off Wikipedia so don't hold me to it but it's pretty wild right?

I refuse to believe that this is the biggest picture I can find of both Neville brothers eating the same cake.

What's totally freakiest about all this is that after they made the first Milliband, they made another one but he was noticeably different looking. However some things are the same. They have the same hair colour sort of and though I have been clicking back and forth between their wikipedia pictures I cannot confidently name the other similarities though I am sure that they are there.

You think this is the real Quaid? It is!

 They have similar jobs. In politics.

Look at these guys.

I haven't watched Mock the Week this week but I'm almost certain that the above is a word for word account of what they've said minus a few ad slogans and shouting about "retards".

California Gurls - The Sacred Feminine

In the rich esoteric tradition of Paracelsus, Aleister Crowley and Dan Brown, the much-feted white witch Katy Perry publishes her latest tract on alchemical feminism this month. Haiku Panzer Force considers the revolutionary message and impact of "California Gurls - A Treatise In Dialectic And Symbology".

Fecund

Ever-controversial, Mistress Perry engages, in this latest work, the dichotomy between the sacred feminine and the mundane representation of "woman" in popular culture. Unlike previous tracts that have dealt exclusively with the internal relationship between the "Hot" and "Cold" aspects of the psyche, or with the female perception of herself as a physical being "I Kissed A Girl", this work looks outward, exploring and contesting the role of woman in society.

The Modern Woman

Of particular interest is Perry's treatment of representations of "man" in the form of the pimp-wizard. The wizard is depicted as an impotent God, a titanic male with externalised phallus, in the form of a pimp-stick, that is nonetheless thwarted in his attempts to dominate, that is to say "creep a little sneak peak", the figure of woman.

Throughout her allegorical journey, The Woman is faced by iconic representations of herself, each figuring a challenge that must be overcome. These labours are ostensibly random, but the subtext is plain; the rules behind the "game" are devised by the dominating male. Archetypes, imprisioned by the pimp-wizard, are by this mechanism revealed to The Woman, her task being to free them, and in doing so, freeing an aspect of herself. These archetypes each conform to a sub-element of the titular "California Gurl", as follows:

i) The Bubblegum BJ Pro
ii) The Absinthe Jello Whore
iii)The Cellophane Slut

Prologued by The Man's display of impotent rage at The Woman's progress, an erotically-charged, triumphal dance begins, with much emphasis place on the thrusting, gyrating hips. This display marks the entry, or "penetration" of the Pimp-Wizard into The Woman's sphere. His is no longer a dictatorial, distant deity - he engages directly, though not as an equal, but as an advocate. By first gathering aspects of oneself, and then submitting them as "evidence", Mistress Perry conciously echoes an earlier form of esoteric virtue/vice allegory (cf. Robert A. Potter, The English Morality Play: Origins, History, and Influence of a Dramatic Tradition).

The conventional mode is turned rectoverso now, as the God/Pimp Wizard becomes an actor in the drama, we, the passive audience, must sit in judgement. Battle lines are drawn, as The Woman's collected "attributes" arm her for the final confrontation. The release is codified as an ecstacy, a victory of ladyjuice over the Manseed, as represented by Jelly Bears.

Reverse Insemination as Castration

Fully impotent now, his seed extingushed, the Pimp-Wizard symbolically removes his phallus in submission, a voluntary castration. Reduced to a head, a double metaphor for the only male part(s) a female desires, the victory of Woman is complete, and total.

No doubt Mistress Perry's magnum opus, "California Gurls" is an epochal work, an inescapable locus for esoteric feminist literature for the foreseeable future. Unlike some commentators, Perry captures not only the philosophical aspect of this debate "All the boys; Bangin' out; All that ass; Hangin' out", but also, and crucially, its human heart. A fitting coda, the warmth and depth of her prose is best illustrated with these following lines:

Westcoast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

Your Letters but not YOUR letters

Dear Haiku Panzer Force,

As a high flying solicitor who drinks a great deal of water as well as a variety of other fluids, I tend to break up my working day with brief excursions to the gentlemen's toilet room or thunderbox if you will, (be sure to note however that I never pass thunder during work hours.) On a recent visit to the kidderminster I stepped barefoot into a moral quagmire that could endanger my career and bring disrepute to the profession as a whole. I shall recount it to you now.

Steven Segal is in a band called Thunderbox.

Slipping out of a meeting with a client (Mrs X) regarding her upcoming divorce, I made one of my usual visits to pass hot liquid lightning into my favoured stall (like an increasing number of men in the 21st Century, I prefer the rectilinear peace of mind provided by a cubicle to the tear drop vulgarity of a urinal)  Adopting my usual stance; legs apart, eyes to the heavens I awaited the rush of what had, mere hours earlier, been a decanter of icy highland-spring water. Everything was in place for what seemed to be some textbook micturition when I became aware of the presence of a fellow user inside the cubicle! I had neglected to secure the fortifications of the cubicle with the provided slide lock! I longed to cry "Occupato!" but my larynx had seized up along with Aretha, my urethra.


I froze, head down me eyes darting to my left to take in the man beside me. He swiftly unzipped and nudged me in the arm. "Cross the streams!" He enthused.

I remained rooted to the spot, member in hand (he too had frozen and shrivelled slightly in the presence of a rival pipe.) "I..."

Mine was the expression of the Stay Puff'd Marshmallow Man... to begin with.

"Cross the streams!" He said again, but this time I sensed a hint of almost brotherly tenderness. With one hand, he squeezed my elbow and playfully swayed his midriff from side to side, chuckling softly.

I was swept up in the moment. I let myself go... to the man's great pleasure and eventually we were both hooting and howling over the rush of our combined effluence crashing 'gainst the pristine porcelain of the solicitor-class bowel basin.


"Yeaaaaahhhhhaaaaaahhhh!" He howled. Then with no thought of hygiene or even replacing my modesty in its cotton pouch, we turned to face each other in the cramped stall, locked eyes and high fived repeatedly and vigorously.(High fived is not a euphemism for a sex act, just to be clear... I know your Haiku Panzer force habit of using bold, italics and tiny text to accentuate certain phrases and I am wise to it.)


But then before I had the chance to offer to wash this gentleman's hands, secretly hoping that he in turn would wash mine, he bolted out of the cubicle leaving me to activate the flush and thoroughly sterilise my paws after the encounter. Who was this man? Why had he chosen me? On looking into the other cubicles I noticed they were empty so it was not for want of space that he chose to cross the streams with this particular solicitor.

No scarcity of cubicles... then why?

I left the men's room exhilarated but I could already feel the adrenaline rush subsiding before I had returned to my office. Back to th trivialities of Mrs X's divorce from Mr X! No doubt a momentous passage in the lives of the X's but a process I can now go through with my eyes screwed shut and my fingers thrust far into the canals of my ears.


When I reached my office, my assistant hissed a warning before I crossed the threshold into the office proper "Mrs X's husband is here with his solicitor", they were a little early but I was more than prepared to wring this hapless fool for every shilling in his grimy pockets. I entered the room with a hearty greeting but stopped in horror when I saw the man who awaited me...


It was the man from the cubicle... the man I had crossed swords with just moments before!


"This is my husband, Mr X" sighed Mrs X flatly. "Not for long I hope", said Mr X, a cruel grin shooting across his face, reaching out a hand that may well have been drenched in my own bladder brandy.

It can't be!

Rats! How do I proceed when dealing with a man with whom I've intersected golden arcs? Is this a conflict of interests? What was I to do... what am I to do? I'm still here now... I'm pretending I'm picking a suitable album from Spotify as background music when I'm fully aware that nothing kicks off divorce proceedings like Chet Baker. They're starting to get suspicious. Help me Haiku Panzer Force!


Kind Regards,


Alan Cliffe



Dear Alan,


Fuck you for not knowing anything about the Law. Of course this is a conflict of interest, in fact if you'd done a little research you might know that this is a common technique amongst men going through divorces. In fact it was one of the fun facts recently omitted from our Paul McCartney Factstravaganza a few days ago - that whilst going through his divorce, Sir Paul crossed the streams with all the finest lawyers in the UK so that none of them could represent Heather Mills and she was forced to resort to using an entirely stop motion animated legal team when the big day arrived.


Sadly for Sir Paul the claymation litigators performed pretty spectacularly, if painfully slowly, and Mills is now something something something. Point is, you better find a window to climb out of before shit gets real. And Chet Baker is no way to divorce anyone, try some Sammy D.

Warm best wishes,

Haiku Panzer Force

Get More Twitter Followers - 5 Easy Tips

Who loves ya baby?

NO ONE.

No one loves you, because no one loves you. No one follows you, because no one follows you. Yet some people have followers, so why not you? It's not fair, is it?

But don't cry into you soup! Today's edition of 5 EASY TIPS will solve all of you Twitter-twoes.

Why don't you have followers? Surely it can't be because you're ugly, or short, or one chromosome short of a full set. Of course, you are all of those things, but your profile pic is Adam West's Batman, so these can't be the reasons. Why else? These 5 EASY TIPS will help cure the hideous disease that is unpopularity:

1. FIAT LUX

Twitter, like "RL", is a popularity contest, and just like "RL", you need popularity to get more. Where do you start then? How can something come from nothing? It's a paradox built in to the fabric of the universe. And the solution, the missing ingredient, is God.

EASY TIP: Become a fundamentalist Christian. Regularly tweet the beneficent effects of Jesus's love, and they'll come a flockin'.

2. SEXY SEXY TIME

The only thing more e-liberating than being an anonymous 20-something male is being an anonymous 20-something male being an anonymous teenage girl, on the cusp of womanhood. Anonymously. The erotic frisson created by the brief, tentative steps of a fey innocent into the brusque tworld of men will guarantee an instant, slobbering following.

EASY TIP: Big eyes, barest hint of decolletage, perhaps a photoshopped blue tint. Name yourself "LittleMinx93" or similar.

3. RAW, UNBRIDLED API ABUSE

You know that app you should be using for Twitter? TweetDeck, Seesmic etc? Don't just use it occassionally, as you would twitter.com; abuse it. Ruin it. Bash out those tweets, skullfu*REDACTED* those #FF lists, follow like a bitch, and be DMn' like you be BMn' after a curry. Create opportunities for the twitterverse to ignore you, but in more invasive, irritating ways. You will break their will eventually and they'll follow out of exhaustion.

EASY TIP: Don't stop tweeting until you either a) get an "API limit reached" message or b) the ends of your fingers are bloody and raw.

4. STARLIGHT, STARBRIGHT!

@StephenFry has more followers than their are people on Earth. How? Is it because he's a raconteur par excellence? Because he has a big, gay wit? No. @StephenFry has more followers than there are atoms in the sun, because he is a celebrity. But isn't celebritying hard? Nope!

EASY TIP: Publish a series of epochal memoirs, each in turn winning you a Nobel prize, and collectively becoming the definitve literary and cultural contribution of our age.

5. BE A LOVER, NOT A HATER

Reciprocity: the Golden Rule, the fundamental foundation of ethical philosophy, human rights, and civilisation. Before you can expect your fellow man to follow, you must love your fellow man. Smother him with LOL's and RT's, <3's and LMFAO's. Sing his praises to others, at random. #FF him constantly, all week long. Tweet unto others as you would have them tweet to you.

EASY TIP: Pick a target. RT their every message. @ them photoshopped images of your profile pics holding hands, and making love. Repeat ad infinitum.

It's all so EASY (TIPS) now, isn't it? Go forth and become the King of Twitter!

That's all for this week. We'll see you next time, for another 5 EASY TIPS!