I'm spending my share on a meatball sub. Om nom nom.
85 Billion Euro Windfall To Be Shared Among Syndicate, Ireland To Close.
News that the EU and IMF bailouts awarded to Ireland would not be used to prop up the country's flailing economy broke today, with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen revealing that the money would instead be split up amongst the population.
"85 Billion split four and a half million ways gives us almost twenty thousand euros each. That's eff you money in my book." In his address, the Irish Premier listed some of the things the winnings could be spent on. "A luxury cruise, a decent car, a year's supply of Subway sandwiches. It's a long list. I encourage you all to spend wisely."
When asked what would become of the country now that its shattered economy would not be saved, Mr Cowen was resolute.
"Well, it's done for, isn't it? We might as well enjoy ourselves, but Ireland's spent. " He then addressed the gathering crowd. "I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. Time to give the Emerald Isle back to the serpents."
"Begorrah" He added.
Interest in the soon-to-be stateless island has already surfaced, with Pinewood Studios expressing a desire to shoot the long-mooted Braveheart remake on its soon-to-be-vacant shores. Irish entrepreneur Michael O'Leary has also expressed an interest in acquiring his soon-to-be-former-homeland.
Mad, no-frills tyrant.
"I see Ryanland as being the top choice for individuals looking for a low-cost, no-frills citizenship." At a hastily-organised press conference, O'Leary's eyes glazed over as the muse of commerce possessed him. "A nation state for the discerning non-traveller who wants to get from A to A with the minimum of fuss. No taxes! Passports now only 99p (plus charges)! Book online to avoid disappointment!" O'Leary was led away by minders before he could relate the full terms and conditions of his offer.
God dammit, now my girlfriend keeps dropping hints.
Prince William, future king and future manwife of Kate Middleton (plebeian), has raised the ire of a generation - A generation of men trapped in long-term relationships, now stripped of hope, now doomed to a slow decline into matrimony.
"I didn't think he'd go through with it, and when they broke up, I'd have dumped mine too in the confusion". Brian Smacks, 27, vowed bloody vengeance against the monarch-to-be in an impassioned, impromptu pub lunch address that hit YouTube earlier today. It has received over 6 hits in three hours, leading to some pundits to question whether this is the beginning of a serious revolutionary movement. Brian continued "I swear to god, my missus sent me a link to the story this morning. A link. What the hell am I supposed to make of that?"
Protests have begun already, with several organisations vowing to march on London. One group, formed in opposition to Prince William's casual disregard for his position as a 20-something mens' moral leader, the Society for Trapped, Angry Guys, has taken a firm line.
"We won't stand for it. I mean, she's not bad, not my type, but not bad, but what did he think he was doing? I prefer Asians, myself." an anonymous member of the radical group claimed today.
Despite 20-something men across Britain avoiding eye-contact with their inevitable fiances today, allegedly afeared for their freedom, the Palace was resolute. During a hastily organised press event this evening, a spokesman for Prince William addressed the groups' concerns.
"Save yourselves men. It was too late for the young master, but you still have a chance. Run. Run!"
Not everyone has condemned the Prince's actions, however. Stacie Pitch, 23, declared loudly in the cafeteria today that she, and others, were in favour of the arrangement.
"He's so cute. Oh. And they look great together. He proposed on holiday, in Africa, and with his mother's ring, that's Princess Diana. Oh. It's so romantic."
Reality television. To some, the greatest thing to happen to the medium since Mr Motivator, to others, the worst thing to happen to the medium since Mr Motivator.
Courting controversy since its infancy, Reality TV has weathered many storms, from Ben Fogle's notorious "Reichstag address" speech on Castaway, to Hurricane Jade and the ethnic and intellectual cleansing of Big Brother - each series more shocking, each scenario and "high concept" more desperate and demeaning than the last. And yet, the genre endured.
With the arrival of self-parodying shows such as The Only Way Is Essex, pundits argued that the demise of true reality TV had begun. No more would the authentically shocking grace our screens - we had moved, to paraphrase Marx, from tragedy, into farce.
Or so it was assumed; that is, until The Adventures of Portland Bill.
In a recent episode, Bill's "assistants" do "a spot of cleaning"
The worst nightmare/nocturnal emission of every Daily Mail reader in the country, this unparalleled, revelatory despair has broken like a wave against our collective consciousness, washing away our tidy 21st century illusions and leaving the reality of Modern Britain bare, revealed in all its startling truth.
Ostensibly a documentary charting the lives of three lighthouse keepers, Portland Bill plots a far darker course, deep, deep into the nation's Heart of Darkness. Social and sexual mores are brutally challenged and overturned, threaded through with biting satire, cruel humour, and jam tarts.
To suggest that this unfolding drama is Pinteresque would do Bill a disservice; it may now be more accurate to call The Homecoming Portlandesque. Unlike Pinter's harrowing, truth-revealing art, however, Portland Bill is simply, harrowingly true. Too true for many.
With calls to reinstate the death penalty to bring these keepers of depravity to justice, the public has failed to appreciate that Portland Bill is a mirror, and that like Caliban and his master, it is we who are responsible for the existence of these desperate creatures. The Adventures of Portland Bill may have triggered a knee-jerk hate mail campaign, and even questions in Parliament, but in an age of apathy and ironic detachment, it appears that only the very worst excesses of behaviour can move us. And in our apathy, from the Lizard to John O'Groats, we have let these worst excesses breed.
Perhaps the programme makers should be praised, not letter-bombed, for their brave decision not to edit or censor even the vilest acts, having the faith in their audience that we would see these wrongs, and seek to change the circumstances that created them, not damn the messenger, or the true victims - Bill, Ross and Cromarty.
Or perhaps not.
TV bosses have turned a deaf ear to the expected cries of "Ban this sick filth", but this critic wonders if the Middle England brigade may have a point. Objective reportage is all well and good, but if scenes such as the "whitewashing" of a "lighthouse" are suitable to broadcast, where do we draw the line?
With The Adventures of Portland Bill already renewed for a second season, perhaps we shall find out -for example, perhaps the keepers will have a visit from an "inspector" on "lighthouse business".
No doubt Ross should have been cleaning the steps as opposed to fishing, leading to, brace yourself, "high seas highjinks".
Following hot on the heals of all those wikis leaking out all over what appears to be the newspapers, leaks indicate that a site called wikiwikileaksleaks (doubledot com) has leaked wikis detailing the Wikileaks leaks and how they came to leak. For the first time, Joe Public will gain access to documents documenting the documentation of the leaked leaks and get a harrowing glimpse at what condition the wiki leakes leakers are forced to leak under. Joe Public will then probably pass it on to his friends, one of whom might work for a paper and he or she will print them.
Sometimes finding pictures is more work than the words.
Details are already leaking out about working condition in "wikileaks house", lets just say it's not just the plumbing that's leaking. It's also the Wiki's. Here's an example from one of the leaked documents.
MR X: WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?
MR Y:[*CLASSIFIED*], SIR.
MR X: HAS IT BEEN LEAKED?
MR Y: NO SIR.
MR X: WELL PULL YOUR DICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LEAK IT!
FX: WATERBOARDING
I'm confident no one's thought of this either, radical.
But what thinks the Government about all this? I asked him; "Whatever gets people to climb out of my ass for 15 minutes is fine-diddly ine by me, I did some heinous shit out there that I can not undo"
Along with a delicious recipe for cooking leeks, discussion of leaking the leak leakers also made it into the leaks.
FX: SHUFFLING "SECRETS"
MR X: LEAK THIS, THIS TOO... AND THIS AND...
MR Y: WHAT ABOUT THIS?
MR X: WHAT?
MR Y: WHAT WE'RE SAYING NOW.
MR X: WHAT ABOUT IT?
MR Y: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAK IT?
MR X: DO I WANT YOU TO LEAK WHAT WE'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW, OR WHAT WE WERE SAYING BEFORE ABOUT LEAKING OTHER THINGS?
MR Y: THE FIRST ONE, NO... ALL OF IT. BUT... PUT IT THIS WAY, WHAT DON'T YOU WANT ME TO LEAK?
MR X:[*CLASSIFIED*]
"I can't move for Wikis at the moment" cries journalist Kale Kiwi, "and it's not just the plumbing that's leaking here... I don't care if you're planning to lead with that, put it in anyway... nobody can own a sentence." Have the leaks compromised National Security? "No, I have full faith in the leaks, I have even leaked my home address to a violent criminal known as Scalp-coat Fister who is yet to show up naked at my patio door as everyone said that he would and, y'know, do his thing."
AH HA HA! Oh, I'm sorry, you've caught me at a moment when I was thinking about the similarities between the Chancellor of the Exchequer from Britain's "The Government"and Ebenezer Scrooge from the Bible.
...and laughing.
Ah ha ha ha.
I'm looking forward to Christmas this year and not just because we get to celebrate the time that Jesus defended his house from the 'money lenders' with a complex series of makeshift boo-bee-traps. But because I will no doubt be treated to some biting Scrooge/Osborne themed satire from Hugh Dennis and those other people who do satire.
It's the one time of year when Radio 4 comedians get to take a break from ending all of their jokes with "ocado delivery van" and can instead make repeated references to the Greatest Story Ever Told.
I saw Hugh Dennis in Waitrose with Sandy Toksvig the other day, they said they were "looking for ideas" so I said, "are you planning on making jokes about George Osborne being like Scrooge this Christmas?"... They went very quiet for a moment and started looking at each other with surprised, happy faces. They hurriedly said "goodbye" and then walked away quickly making whispery phone calls. I think they are planning on doing what I said.
But what thinks George "McDuck" Osborne (satire!) about all of this satire? I did not see him in Waitroseso I could not ask him and I do not have time to wait around in every Waitrose in London hoping for him to come in for some double cream or tiffin (Some of us have jobs (!)) Having said that he is probably prepared, he looks like he is prepared.
What is he hiding in his mouth? Coins? (Satire)
With just weeks to go till Christmas, I am jizzing all over myself with excitement at the thought of walking past a newsstand and seeing a caricature of George Osborne wearing Victorian nightwear, holding a lamp and cowering in front of a previous Chancellor draped in chains. Ah ha ha ha ha. I am not sure who the previous Chancellor will be but that just adds to the excitement. There might even be a witty caption to the effect of "these chains are the national deficit" or something like that, though they may surprise me and make the chains something to do with child benefit. Eeek! How am I going to last the 6 weeks till December? I'm so excited I might just draw it myself. No... no, I mustn't spoil it... be patient.
That's right kids, it's here! The latest iteration of the eternally popular Miliémon RPG handheld games series hits store shelves next week - but is it revolutionary, evolutionary (Wink - Ed.), or just more of the same? Our in-house Milié-fan investigates...
Like every game in the Miliémon series, the two editions, EdRed and DaveBlue, have some subtle differences, but offer broadly the same experience. As with previous games, some Miliémon are unique to one edition or the other - you'll have to use the Conference Party WiFi mode to swap your collection with other players if you really do want to "catch 'em all".
EdRed edition Box Art
The box art for both editions is typically bold, with each featuring the "legendary" Miliémon you can catch in each game, but EdMilié and DaveMilié are only two of the many new Miliémon available in the game. The designers have really outdone themselves, and graphically-speaking these games represent a new height for the series. For those players disappointed by the failure of BlairYellow and BrownBrown to deliver on the developers' promises of better performance, sharper mechanics and more colourful characters, these new games will restore your faith in the franchise.
DaveBlue edition Box Art
"But what about gameplay?" I hear you cry. Players begin their quest on ConDem island, a totally revamped version of NuLab from the previous games, but don't be put off. The developers and designers have put a lot of effort into distancing themselves from previous games, and the "look and feel" of these new environments really does give a subtle but much-needed boost to the overall experience. Whereas NuLab was "too shiny" in places, ConDem has a more realistic, almost grimy feel - and with many more NPCs offering quests, ranging from finding a few copper pieces so that the NPC can feed his family, to operating offshore tax havens, the scope for player interaction is much greater.
As with any Miliémon game, the first decision the player makes is to choose their starting Miliémon. In EdRed and DaveBlue you have the following familar options (I've included their evolution chains for reference):
Each have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'll leave that to you to find out!
In addition to these fresh starter Miliémon, there are many others for players to hunt for. As always, most are easy to catch, but remember that they are generally easier to find in the WestMonster Battlezone than their "home" areas. Some, like Gosborn, need to be coaxed with precious metals, whereas others can only be found using starter Miliémon as "bait", Hayge can only be caught using a Torydrip (or Toryboy starter from the original MajorGrey game).
Here's just a taster of the new Miliémon roaming ConDem island:
Edballz
And of course:
Dabbott
In addition, some of the issues or errors of previous games have been rectified, with new evolutions for under-powered Miliémon. Many long-term Milié-fans felt that the evolution of Mandlesone to Mandlestwo ruined many "sneak attack"poison/psychic-type strategies - if that sounds familiar, then the new evolution of Mandlethree should be the answer to your prayers. Mandlethree loses the weak MEP psychic attack move, in favour of the very effective Skeleton Cupboard move, capable of paralysing your opponent's Miliémon for several turns.
Mandlethree
Professor Fox makes an appearance, and later in the game can sell the player several powerful items to grant your Miliémon even more battle options; such as the Trident item, giving your Miliémon an area-effect Special Attack.
Overall, EdRed and DaveBlue are a fresh new interpretation of the franchise, whilst staying true to the series' roots. Fans will no doubt be divided as to which edition is better, and traditionalists are, as always, going to prefer the simplicity of earlier games, but EdRed and DaveBlue remain an excellent starting point for new players. No prior experience is required, and literally anyone can jump in and play at the highest level.
Well, that's my Miliémon review - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed playing the game!
DISCLAIMER - I haven't actually finished the game, but it'll probably end just like all the others, with a confusing "final confrontation" with the leader of Team Exocet, Boss Thatcher.
With the Labour Leadership race having reached its scintillating climax with younger brother Ed narrowly clinching the title of King of Labour, satirists nationwide have been gripped by one question; what is the deal with these guys faces?
Who will gain the right to call the Prime Minister "Mr Bean"? Ed. It was Ed, everyone knows that now.
I mean what, did they, like, share a birth mother or something? What is with THAT? That means, you know they lived in the same womb, like aliens. They're also like robots. Robots with no emotions, yeah? That grew in the same womb. It's almost as if they were grown like aliens on a farm, they started off small and just got bigger. You know, like the male gamete and the female gamete merged to form a zygote. I got this off Wikipedia so don't hold me to it but it's pretty wild right?
I refuse to believe that this is the biggest picture I can find of both Neville brothers eating the same cake.
What's totally freakiest about all this is that after they made the first Milliband, they made another one but he was noticeably different looking. However some things are the same. They have the same hair colour sort of and though I have been clicking back and forth between their wikipedia pictures I cannot confidently name the other similarities though I am sure that they are there.
You think this is the real Quaid? It is!
They have similar jobs. In politics.
Look at these guys.
I haven't watched Mock the Week this week but I'm almost certain that the above is a word for word account of what they've said minus a few ad slogans and shouting about "retards".
