"Straight from the Can": The Filmmaking Secret that the Studios don't want you to know

Hello? Hello? CAN you hear me? THROUGH THESE CANS?

You're a screenwriter, right? Sure, everyone is. And you read some pretty deep shit, yeah? Yeah you do. That's why you're a screenwriter. Also it's because when you saw 'Lawrence of Arabia' when you were 4 years old it was the most intense experience of your entire life.

So all the pieces are in place but why isn't anyone getting back to me about my spec script for Spooks?

It's the question that niggles at the back of everyone's mind, especially when they've just sent off a spec script for 'Spooks'. Or Luther.

Well listen up "writers", because you're about to uncover the truth you've known all along but couldn't quite put into words. The one tip that will help you take it to the next level, the one sure-fire way to get that writing job on 'Hustle.' It's name? ... The 'Straight from the Can' Technique.

The Straight from the Can Technique, alternatively known as "SftC", "Recluse and Beans" or "Fork in the Tin". And you've probably seen it countless films, TV shows... you might even have done it in real life. (I'm sorry if you have.)

Here's the scenario; you've got a character who doesn't fit in; an outcast, a freak... doesn't fit in. An Outsider. But how do you show he's an outsider? How do you show he's an outsider without having someone actually call him an outsider. You go Straight from the Can, or to spell it out for you; You show him in an empty flat eating beans directly from  can, staring vacantly at static on a TV screen. And it's done. You already know everything you need to know about this character and you can get on with that slick banter you're so good at.

What's on? NOTHING.

So what do we know? Everything. He doesn't have plates. But he does have a fork. And a can opener. But he doesn't have plates. He might have opened it with a knife? Doesn't matter. The TV static shows he is disconnected from society like the TV is disconnected from the aerial. Whereas the beans are the most pathetic thing a man can eat from a can, even tinned ravioli retains some shred of continental dignity. He should also have a gaunt face. Like John Hannah, but moreso. And he should be sat in a fishing chair with no other furniture. If you really want to WOW those bigwigs at Broadcasting House, give the audience a glimpse of other open cans on the floor around the chair - He's done it before. Maybe even today. Is that why he's so gaunt? Probably.

Extra flourishes are always welcome; hunting knife, bomber jacket and if you're feeling like showing off, have him wearing fingerless gloves. Loner.

I do not know who this man is but I already care!

You can use it in anything, there's not a film been made that couldn't have been improved by a SftC scene. But the one thing you must remeber is You Must Never Try It Yourself. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but it's a dangerous road to go down. Why'd you think Mickey Rourke was offscreen for so many years? Method Acting.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you this? Why am I telling you this?

Does not work with female characters.

Cameron: "Nobody is Ready for the Death Race"

David Cameron has been touring driving schools up at down the country in an attempt to get instructors to "wise up to the very real prospect of me declaring a Death Race in order to bring order to society gone mad."

Cameron is concerned not only for the safety of the drivers in the possible Death Race, but also for the spectacle of the televised broadcasts. "The sad fact is that most people are afraid to die, whether that be in a spectacular fireball or just by being clubbed to death by a leather clad competitor who has leaped from one car to another with some kind of mace, and let me tell you - that leads to some pretty faggy driving"

Naturally the mainstream press have been more shocked by the PM using the term 'Faggy' in 2010 than his idea to teach new drivers to handle a blunderbuss whilst performing a three-point-turn, Cameron's immediate  response was "Of course I know it's 2010, that's why I'm trying to get you to attach barbed wire to your car doors! Help me help you!"

Critics have declared that Cameron has already lost touch with the common man, noting that Death Races are unlikely to bring order to society that is so intent on not being on fire "Well you won't police yourselves! What am I supposed to do? The problem is that you don't fear me, and that's my fault because I've let that slip but once you've had your exploding neck collars fitted you'll either get in line or get to the starting line" (He leaned forwards to say that loudly into a microphone)

But what is Cameron going to do whilst we're all having Death Races/Policing ourselves? "I shall be watching over you from my Vertibird occasionally dropping what I will henceforth refer to as Power-Ups such as new weapons, Turbo Boosts and occasional cash bonuses, you'll have to earn them of course with superior driving skills and wanton carnage"

Cameron will be on tour till September.

An Impassable Moat

Trend Spotter - The Cement Mixer

A new dining trend is sweeping all the hottest restaurants in London, some are calling it a culinary comeback - a glorious regression to simpler times, others simply say it's disgusting and needlessley confrontational. We're talking, of course about what is known as 'Cement Mixing' or for all you squares out there - the act of nonchalantly eating with your mouth open. It's the word on everyone's lips, along with pieces of half chewed sushi and globules of soy sauce.

A few short years ago, it was all the rage to demurely keep ones lips firmly shut whilst eating to avoid showing fellow diners the mashed up contents of the inside of your mouth, a trend started by Lana Turner (though some have the audacity to credit the movement to a pre-'Frasier' Kelsey Grammer.)

However Cement Mixing has made a spectacular comeback in recent months with hot young celebs spotted slapping their jowls open and shut in all the glitziest spots around town. Just the other day Robert Pattinson was seen spraying undigested hunks of tooth pummelled squid all over Dame Judy Dench who appeared to be lagging behind in the Cement Mixing stakes, but still politely brushed off the tween heartthrob's particles of deep fried seabeast with a smile.

And in London's uber cool Shoreditch district the drummer from Muse was spotted holding out his tongue to display a sphere of saliva pulped falafel. The singer from Muse was said to remark; "It looks like a white dwarf exploding into evil antimatter, we shan't let it overthrow us! Awheeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwww!" in a high pitched voice.

What's the attraction for these young hipsters? Jip Cabernickle is a grapahic designer from Cammmmmden "It just makes you look like you don't give a fuck, you know? Like you're too cool to even stop bits of shrimp falling out of your mouth." Sappy Hegherty (fashion designer) has a different take on it; "It's like, all the third world countries have so little food, but we have so much... it's a protest. Don't shut your food away inside your mouth, we're saying."

It's now a common sight to see young party animals furiously stuffing doughnuts into their mouths in preparation for an impromptu photo session or to impress a member of the opposite sex with a spray of breadcrumbs. Naturally, the better the food, the better the effect. So don't expect to impress anyone by Cement Mixing with a £2 Meal deal sandwich from Tesco or a mouth full of mini kievs.

There's even a new hang out for all of the hottest young Cement Mixers in London, it's a restaurant owned and run by Giles Coren by the name of 'Mutual Mastication'. Coren has become the poster child for the Cement Mixer Movement. What does it mean to Coren? "It started in a restaurant, I wanted to make all the other diners leave so I started walking around showing them the ground up contents of my gaping maw and then rolling said contents around on my tongue, instead of leaving they all thought it was some kind of food critic thing and started doing it too. The rest, as they say, I'm very well off and I don't care what you think"

But whatever it means, the sound of smacking lips is something we all better get used to because the Cement Mixer is a trend that's definitely set in stone.

People Are The New Vampires

Hollywood, CA

The film industry is having a rough week. Not only has the latest installment of the Twilight franchise, Eclipse, sold fewer than 7 tickets on its opening night, two studies published earlier this month confirm that vampire love is no longer de rigueur. When asked if they would let a lusty vampire man, born in the 19th century, impregnate them with a hellfoetus, an overwhelming 87% of respondents chose "Unlikely" or "Highly Unlikely". By comparison, when asked the same question last Summer, 93% of respondents chose "Highly Likely" or "In all three holes".

So shiny immortals will soon be gone forever from our silver screens; and yet it seems that the next "big thing" in movies is just around the corner. After several recent hits on the Times Bestsellers list featured prominently human characters, studios are betting that this wave of people popularity will soon hit the mainstream, with several anthropocentric flicks already in production.

The Expendables, on general release later this year, features a cast of persons displaying no significant vampiric or lycanthropic tendencies. "We believe audiences are eager to reconnect with the familiar story of a gang of renegade mercenaries who attempt to free a small country from the grasp of tyranny," said Jon Feltheimer, CEO of Lions Gate, "none of whom are vampires."

Just Go With It, an Adam Sandler vehicle set for early 2011, has taken a similar path; "We thought about doing vampires, sure, but something told us that there were enough VamRomComs on the market." Sandler told Variety, "So we did this instead. You know," he continued "there are stories you can't tell with a vampire. Like, they can't go on a redemptive journey, because a vampire is an unholy abomination in the eyes of God."

Vampires are out, and people are in. Like zombies, gladiators and underage pregnancies, the blood-suckers have fallen from favour in the eyes of the fickle public. But what about mankind? How long before they too are extinguished from the celluloid zeitgeist? Alan Cliffe, CEO of Dover Demographics, believes his company have the answer; "People have two, three years tops. Then it's apes."

Your Letters but not YOUR Letters.

Am I the Evil Twin of my Good Twin?

Dear Haiku Panzer Force,

I’ve recently been troubled by a number of discoveries I have made about myself, it’s difficult to put into words so please excuse me for my lack of eloquence on the subject, I do not know who else to turn to. I have tried to speak to my mother and my priest but they shoo me away when I reach the crux of the matter. A few days ago, I began to suspect that I was someone’s evil twin, whose evil twin I do not know. I am not someone who has ever considered himself malevolent or even particularly vindictive and I have received no indication from friends and family that I may be a twin at all, but lately there have been signs that just seem like too much of a coincidence. Please permit me to catalogue them in an internet friendly manner.

1. Facial Hair – This is what started it all, I’ve made my first foray into facial hair having not shaved in two weeks. I was looking for something to give my face an ‘edge’, perhaps a touch of flair to set face apart from the crowd. At first the pitiful growth resembled a teenager’s moustache. But as the growth began to fill out it formed itself into an unmistakable goatee. I know what you’re thinking “What does that prove?” I will tell you. You see, I am completely devoid of hair in any region of the face unconnected to the goatee (the most sadistic beard of all). The sideburns, the chops... nothing! Fate has decided the shape of my beardybits and I am powerless to resist. All I am able to grow is a rather sinister looking Goatee with moustache corners that I suspect are beginning to twirl themselves.

2. Clothing – I have often been told I dress like Dennis Hopper in the film Waterworld (May his soul rest in peace... would I say that if I was an evil twin? Am I being sarcastic? Even I am unable to tell.)

3. Home Decor – In my home, I favour an industrial look that involves lots of exposed pipes, clouds of steam and the occasional belch of flame. I modelled it after the video for the Duran Duran song Wild Boys (Wild Boys! Wild Boys!)

4. Dining etiquette – When I’m in a restaurant, perhaps with a lady-friend (most of whom are worryingly “vampish”) the moment I am handed any sort of knife I will lasciviously extend my tongue and run it along the edge of the blade. Sometimes I will heat the blade over a candle before doing this. I am currently banned from all Toby Carverys in the United Kingdom.

5. Lovemaking – I only engage in intercourse from behind my raven haired partner, all the while gnashing my teeth and rolling my eyes into my skull. I’ve seen enough films to know that only bad/perverted people make love like this. I never even look them in the eye.

If it is true that I am someone’s evil twin, what am I to do? Should I fight it and try to do as many good things as I can? Or embrace it, walk around with a woman on a choke chain collar... covered in crude oil? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yours,

Alan Cliffe

Barnsley

Dear Alan,

Fuck you for not knowing anything about twins. Everyone knows that the “evil twin” myth is just that, a myth. Even a couple of hours of research would have revealed that what really happens is that one twin can see into the future and the other one can see into the past. Also, one is left handed and the other is right handed. That way if they ever want to join together into some kind of “Zord” they will be ambidextrous.

It sounds like you’ve got what doctors like to call a serious case of the “Beyond the Thunderdomes” which can be cured by heavy exposure to living in Berlin in the 1990s... too bad you don’t have a twin because then one of you could see into the past.