Cameron: "Nobody is Ready for the Death Race"

David Cameron has been touring driving schools up at down the country in an attempt to get instructors to "wise up to the very real prospect of me declaring a Death Race in order to bring order to society gone mad."

Cameron is concerned not only for the safety of the drivers in the possible Death Race, but also for the spectacle of the televised broadcasts. "The sad fact is that most people are afraid to die, whether that be in a spectacular fireball or just by being clubbed to death by a leather clad competitor who has leaped from one car to another with some kind of mace, and let me tell you - that leads to some pretty faggy driving"

Naturally the mainstream press have been more shocked by the PM using the term 'Faggy' in 2010 than his idea to teach new drivers to handle a blunderbuss whilst performing a three-point-turn, Cameron's immediate  response was "Of course I know it's 2010, that's why I'm trying to get you to attach barbed wire to your car doors! Help me help you!"

Critics have declared that Cameron has already lost touch with the common man, noting that Death Races are unlikely to bring order to society that is so intent on not being on fire "Well you won't police yourselves! What am I supposed to do? The problem is that you don't fear me, and that's my fault because I've let that slip but once you've had your exploding neck collars fitted you'll either get in line or get to the starting line" (He leaned forwards to say that loudly into a microphone)

But what is Cameron going to do whilst we're all having Death Races/Policing ourselves? "I shall be watching over you from my Vertibird occasionally dropping what I will henceforth refer to as Power-Ups such as new weapons, Turbo Boosts and occasional cash bonuses, you'll have to earn them of course with superior driving skills and wanton carnage"

Cameron will be on tour till September.