A new dining trend is sweeping all the hottest restaurants in London, some are calling it a culinary comeback - a glorious regression to simpler times, others simply say it's disgusting and needlessley confrontational. We're talking, of course about what is known as 'Cement Mixing' or for all you squares out there - the act of nonchalantly eating with your mouth open. It's the word on everyone's lips, along with pieces of half chewed sushi and globules of soy sauce.
A few short years ago, it was all the rage to demurely keep ones lips firmly shut whilst eating to avoid showing fellow diners the mashed up contents of the inside of your mouth, a trend started by Lana Turner (though some have the audacity to credit the movement to a pre-'Frasier' Kelsey Grammer.)
However Cement Mixing has made a spectacular comeback in recent months with hot young celebs spotted slapping their jowls open and shut in all the glitziest spots around town. Just the other day Robert Pattinson was seen spraying undigested hunks of tooth pummelled squid all over Dame Judy Dench who appeared to be lagging behind in the Cement Mixing stakes, but still politely brushed off the tween heartthrob's particles of deep fried seabeast with a smile.
And in London's uber cool Shoreditch district the drummer from Muse was spotted holding out his tongue to display a sphere of saliva pulped falafel. The singer from Muse was said to remark; "It looks like a white dwarf exploding into evil antimatter, we shan't let it overthrow us! Awheeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwww!" in a high pitched voice.
What's the attraction for these young hipsters? Jip Cabernickle is a grapahic designer from Cammmmmden "It just makes you look like you don't give a fuck, you know? Like you're too cool to even stop bits of shrimp falling out of your mouth." Sappy Hegherty (fashion designer) has a different take on it; "It's like, all the third world countries have so little food, but we have so much... it's a protest. Don't shut your food away inside your mouth, we're saying."
It's now a common sight to see young party animals furiously stuffing doughnuts into their mouths in preparation for an impromptu photo session or to impress a member of the opposite sex with a spray of breadcrumbs. Naturally, the better the food, the better the effect. So don't expect to impress anyone by Cement Mixing with a £2 Meal deal sandwich from Tesco or a mouth full of mini kievs.
There's even a new hang out for all of the hottest young Cement Mixers in London, it's a restaurant owned and run by Giles Coren by the name of 'Mutual Mastication'. Coren has become the poster child for the Cement Mixer Movement. What does it mean to Coren? "It started in a restaurant, I wanted to make all the other diners leave so I started walking around showing them the ground up contents of my gaping maw and then rolling said contents around on my tongue, instead of leaving they all thought it was some kind of food critic thing and started doing it too. The rest, as they say, I'm very well off and I don't care what you think"
But whatever it means, the sound of smacking lips is something we all better get used to because the Cement Mixer is a trend that's definitely set in stone.
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