Your Letters but not YOUR Letters.

Am I the Evil Twin of my Good Twin?

Dear Haiku Panzer Force,

I’ve recently been troubled by a number of discoveries I have made about myself, it’s difficult to put into words so please excuse me for my lack of eloquence on the subject, I do not know who else to turn to. I have tried to speak to my mother and my priest but they shoo me away when I reach the crux of the matter. A few days ago, I began to suspect that I was someone’s evil twin, whose evil twin I do not know. I am not someone who has ever considered himself malevolent or even particularly vindictive and I have received no indication from friends and family that I may be a twin at all, but lately there have been signs that just seem like too much of a coincidence. Please permit me to catalogue them in an internet friendly manner.

1. Facial Hair – This is what started it all, I’ve made my first foray into facial hair having not shaved in two weeks. I was looking for something to give my face an ‘edge’, perhaps a touch of flair to set face apart from the crowd. At first the pitiful growth resembled a teenager’s moustache. But as the growth began to fill out it formed itself into an unmistakable goatee. I know what you’re thinking “What does that prove?” I will tell you. You see, I am completely devoid of hair in any region of the face unconnected to the goatee (the most sadistic beard of all). The sideburns, the chops... nothing! Fate has decided the shape of my beardybits and I am powerless to resist. All I am able to grow is a rather sinister looking Goatee with moustache corners that I suspect are beginning to twirl themselves.

2. Clothing – I have often been told I dress like Dennis Hopper in the film Waterworld (May his soul rest in peace... would I say that if I was an evil twin? Am I being sarcastic? Even I am unable to tell.)

3. Home Decor – In my home, I favour an industrial look that involves lots of exposed pipes, clouds of steam and the occasional belch of flame. I modelled it after the video for the Duran Duran song Wild Boys (Wild Boys! Wild Boys!)

4. Dining etiquette – When I’m in a restaurant, perhaps with a lady-friend (most of whom are worryingly “vampish”) the moment I am handed any sort of knife I will lasciviously extend my tongue and run it along the edge of the blade. Sometimes I will heat the blade over a candle before doing this. I am currently banned from all Toby Carverys in the United Kingdom.

5. Lovemaking – I only engage in intercourse from behind my raven haired partner, all the while gnashing my teeth and rolling my eyes into my skull. I’ve seen enough films to know that only bad/perverted people make love like this. I never even look them in the eye.

If it is true that I am someone’s evil twin, what am I to do? Should I fight it and try to do as many good things as I can? Or embrace it, walk around with a woman on a choke chain collar... covered in crude oil? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yours,

Alan Cliffe

Barnsley

Dear Alan,

Fuck you for not knowing anything about twins. Everyone knows that the “evil twin” myth is just that, a myth. Even a couple of hours of research would have revealed that what really happens is that one twin can see into the future and the other one can see into the past. Also, one is left handed and the other is right handed. That way if they ever want to join together into some kind of “Zord” they will be ambidextrous.

It sounds like you’ve got what doctors like to call a serious case of the “Beyond the Thunderdomes” which can be cured by heavy exposure to living in Berlin in the 1990s... too bad you don’t have a twin because then one of you could see into the past.