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Tuesday 26 October 2010

Wik-wikileaks-Leaks leaked

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I'm confident no one has thought of this yet

Following hot on the heals of all those wikis leaking out all over what appears to be the newspapers, leaks indicate that a site called wikiwikileaksleaks (doubledot com) has leaked wikis detailing the Wikileaks leaks and how they came to leak.  For the first time, Joe Public will gain access to documents documenting the documentation of the leaked leaks and get a harrowing glimpse at what condition the wiki leakes leakers are forced to leak under. Joe Public will then probably pass it on to his friends, one of whom might work for a paper and he or she will print them.

Sometimes finding pictures is more work than the words.

Details are already leaking out about working condition in "wikileaks house", lets just say it's not just the plumbing that's leaking. It's also the Wiki's. Here's an example from one of the leaked documents.

MR X: WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

MR Y: [*CLASSIFIED*], SIR.

MR X: HAS IT BEEN LEAKED?


MR Y: NO SIR.

MR X: WELL PULL YOUR DICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LEAK IT!

FX: WATERBOARDING

I'm confident no one's thought of this either, radical.

But what thinks the Government about all this? I asked him; "Whatever gets people to climb out of my ass for 15 minutes is fine-diddly ine by me, I did some heinous shit out there that I can not undo"

Along with a delicious recipe for cooking leeks, discussion of leaking the leak leakers also made it into the leaks.

FX: SHUFFLING "SECRETS"

MR X:  LEAK THIS, THIS TOO... AND THIS AND...

MR Y: WHAT ABOUT THIS?

MR X: WHAT?

MR Y: WHAT WE'RE SAYING NOW.

MR X: WHAT ABOUT IT?

MR Y: DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAK IT?

MR X: DO I WANT YOU TO LEAK WHAT WE'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW, OR WHAT WE WERE SAYING BEFORE ABOUT LEAKING OTHER THINGS?

MR Y: THE FIRST ONE, NO... ALL OF IT. BUT... PUT IT THIS WAY, WHAT DON'T YOU WANT ME TO LEAK?

MR X:[*CLASSIFIED*]  

"I can't move for Wikis at the moment"  cries journalist Kale Kiwi, "and it's not just the plumbing that's leaking here... I don't care if you're planning to lead with that, put it in anyway... nobody can own a sentence." Have the leaks compromised National Security? "No, I have full faith in the leaks, I have even leaked my home address to a violent criminal known as Scalp-coat Fister who is yet to show up naked at my patio door as everyone said that he would and, y'know, do his thing."

Monday 18 October 2010

George Osborne; "prepared" for Christmas Satire

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AH HA HA! Oh, I'm sorry, you've caught me at a moment when I was thinking about the similarities between the Chancellor of the Exchequer from Britain's "The Government" and Ebenezer Scrooge from the Bible.

...and laughing. 



Ah ha ha ha.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year and not just because we get to celebrate the time that Jesus defended his house from the 'money lenders' with a complex series of makeshift boo-bee-traps. But because I will no doubt be treated to some biting Scrooge/Osborne themed satire from Hugh Dennis and those other people who do satire.

 It's the one time of year when Radio 4 comedians get to take a break from ending all of their jokes with "ocado delivery van" and can instead make repeated references to the Greatest Story Ever Told.


I saw Hugh Dennis in Waitrose with Sandy Toksvig the other day, they said they were "looking for ideas" so I said, "are you planning on making jokes about George Osborne being like Scrooge this Christmas?"... They went very quiet for a moment and started looking at each other with surprised, happy faces. They hurriedly said "goodbye" and then walked away quickly making whispery phone calls. I think they are planning on doing what I said.



But what thinks George "McDuck" Osborne (satire!) about all of this satire? I did not see him in Waitrose so I could not ask him and I do not have time to wait around in every Waitrose in London hoping for him to come in for some double cream or tiffin (Some of us have jobs (!)) Having said that he is probably prepared, he looks like he is prepared.


What is he hiding in his mouth? Coins? (Satire)

With just weeks to go till Christmas, I am jizzing all over myself with excitement at the thought of walking past a newsstand and seeing a caricature of George Osborne wearing Victorian nightwear, holding a lamp and cowering in front of a previous Chancellor draped in chains. Ah ha ha ha ha. I am not sure who the previous Chancellor will be but that just adds to the excitement. There might even be a witty caption to the effect of "these chains are the national deficit" or something like that, though they may surprise me and make the chains something to do with child benefit. Eeek! How am I going to last the 6 weeks till December? I'm so excited I might just draw it myself. No... no, I mustn't spoil it... be patient.

Just enjoy Autumn, for now.

Tuesday 5 October 2010

MILIéMON - EdRed & DaveBlue REVIEW

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That's right kids, it's here! The latest iteration of the eternally popular Miliémon RPG handheld games series hits store shelves next week - but is it revolutionary, evolutionary (Wink - Ed.), or just more of the same? Our in-house Milié-fan investigates...

Like every game in the Miliémon series, the two editions, EdRed and DaveBlue, have some subtle differences, but offer broadly the same experience. As with previous games, some Miliémon are unique to one edition or the other - you'll have to use the Conference Party WiFi mode to swap your collection with other players if you really do want to "catch 'em all".

EdRed edition Box Art

The box art for both editions is typically bold, with each featuring the "legendary" Miliémon you can catch in each game, but EdMilié and DaveMilié are only two of the many new Miliémon available in the game. The designers have really outdone themselves, and graphically-speaking these games represent a new height for the series. For those players disappointed by the failure of BlairYellow and BrownBrown to deliver on the developers' promises of better performance, sharper mechanics and more colourful characters, these new games will restore your faith in the franchise.

DaveBlue edition Box Art

"But what about gameplay?" I hear you cry. Players begin their quest on ConDem island, a totally revamped version of NuLab from the previous games, but don't be put off. The developers and designers have put a lot of effort into distancing themselves from previous games, and the "look and feel" of these new environments really does give a subtle but much-needed boost to the overall experience. Whereas NuLab was "too shiny" in places, ConDem has a more realistic, almost grimy feel - and with many more NPCs offering quests, ranging from finding a few copper pieces so that the NPC can feed his family, to operating offshore tax havens, the scope for player interaction is much greater.

As with any Miliémon game, the first decision the player makes is to choose their starting Miliémon. In EdRed and DaveBlue you have the following familar options (I've included their evolution chains for reference):

Fire/Fighting-type: Starter: Sockalist, 1st Evolution: Actifist, 2nd Evolution: Brawllord

Water type: Starter: Torydrip, 1st Evolution: Consqueeze, 2nd Evolution: Lifepeer

Grass type: Starter: Cutsno, 1st Evolution: Warno, 2nd Evolution: Bono

Each have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'll leave that to you to find out!

In addition to these fresh starter Miliémon, there are many others for players to hunt for. As always, most are easy to catch, but remember that they are generally easier to find in the WestMonster Battlezone than their "home" areas. Some, like Gosborn, need to be coaxed with precious metals, whereas others can only be found using starter Miliémon as "bait", Hayge can only be caught using a Torydrip (or Toryboy starter from the original MajorGrey game).

Here's just a taster of the new Miliémon roaming ConDem island:
Edballz
 And of course:
Dabbott

In addition, some of the issues or errors of previous games have been rectified, with new evolutions for under-powered Miliémon. Many long-term Milié-fans felt that the evolution of Mandlesone to Mandlestwo ruined many "sneak attack"poison/psychic-type strategies - if that sounds familiar, then the new evolution of Mandlethree should be the answer to your prayers. Mandlethree loses the weak MEP psychic attack move, in favour of the very effective Skeleton Cupboard move, capable of paralysing your opponent's Miliémon for several turns.

Mandlethree

Professor Fox makes an appearance, and later in the game can sell the player several powerful items to grant your Miliémon even more battle options; such as the Trident item, giving your Miliémon an area-effect Special Attack.

Overall, EdRed and DaveBlue are a fresh new interpretation of the franchise, whilst staying true to the series' roots. Fans will no doubt be divided as to which edition is better, and traditionalists are, as always, going to prefer the simplicity of earlier games, but EdRed and DaveBlue remain an excellent starting point for new players. No prior experience is required, and literally anyone can jump in and play at the highest level.

Well, that's my Miliémon review - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed playing the game!

DISCLAIMER - I haven't actually finished the game, but it'll probably end just like all the others, with a confusing "final confrontation" with the leader of Team Exocet, Boss Thatcher.