The Royal Wedding - Honeymoon Update (EDITED, MUST FIX)

As festivities honouring the wedding of Miss Kate Middleton (plebian) you've done this joke already - Ed. to Prince Adam of Eternia fade into legend (not obscure enough, try something from dinoriders - Ed.), the lazy eye of the festering masses turns its ravenous too many adjectives - Ed. gaze to...

"The Royal Honeymoon"

Miscellaneous Royal Wedding Photo. Photoshop something, you lazy arse - Ed.

Where are the Royal couple going on their Honeymoon? Will they 'hit the clubs'? What will be inserted where? And with who watching? (too much - Ed.) Haiku investigates:

When He-Man rescued the Kate "the reasonably attractive peasant" (doesn't work - Ed.) Middleton from the clutches of Skeletor, observers commented on their mutual attraction, some going so far as to suggest the 'roided warrior our reader(s) are dumb, this needs a set-up  - Ed. may finally ditch that She-Ra chick and settle down. But it was not to be.

Prince Adam, ex-batchelor and non-bro.

Prince Adam of Eternia, the swaggering lady-boy prince of velvet beanbags, swooped in, all teeth and tailoring, and seduced Kate away from the Peoples' He-ro. Needless to say, Man-At-Arms was surprised. (too much - Ed.)


insert photo of man-at-arms surprised, or Tom Selleck

The Royal Wedding was a unprecedented PR success however, rehabilitating Prince Adam of Eternia's public image, along with that of the whole royal family. He-Man failed to RSVP, citing in the press his need to 'groom the Battlecat' (could this be funnier, e.g. rape the Orko? - Ed.); but even the no-show of nation-favourite soldier-saint He-Man (yeah, I get it, lots of hyphens - Ed.) could not bruise the celebration. David Beckham Rowan Atkinson , a close friend of He-Man, was quote as saying "He's missed She-Kate, but He's a tough guy. Have you seen those glistening muscles? He'll get over it."

Polls suggest that Prince Adam of Eternia's ratings have increased tenfold after the Royal Wedding, to 5% public approval, with 15% of the shivering, plague-bearing public agreeing that Prince Adam was "slightly not gay, possibly", up from 1% a month ago.  (Rewrite this whole segment, much too obvious - Ed.)With the Honeymoon looming, Royal PR have the opportunity to build on that success, potentially transforming Prince Adam of Eternia into a figure who the cretinous, bottom-feeding public could, if not 'like', then at least 'tolerate'.

But where will the newest Royal be taken on her honeymoon? If the Prince takes her somewhere warm and wet, they should both have a great time - A tropical destination should provide some great photo ops, and the Prince is well known for his 'jungle fever' and love of exploration. (I see what you're doing here, and it's not funny. This is the f*cking Royal Family we're talking about here. You can't go around writing innappropriate sex jokes. This is supposed to be a family blog. - Ed.) But what happens if she gets taken bummed somewhere less conventional? There are a number of places the Princess chould be taken that would raise eyebrows.

Taking a look at the bookies' list of likely destinations, the Prince may take the unpredictable option, and choose to take her somewhere near the bottom. (contrived, fix this - Ed.) Will she enjoy it? The Prince isn't known for "slumming it" in a dirty hole (Really? REALLY? - Ed.) - but in an effort to reconnect with the nation's youth, perhaps Kate will be willing to suffer a little discomfort?

Pundits eagerly await the chance to analyse the Royals.

("analyse"? You're fired. - Ed.)

Guest Blog: Come Dine with Me Contestant "Just sez what I thinks, sweetheart"

Can't be bothered to look for pictures for an article about Come Dine with Me... Man, Fuck Come Dine with Me. Fuck it.

In a misguided attempt to court more than 1 reader at a time, we've enlisted the help of a high profile guest blogger *Previous Contestant on Come Dine With Me* who has contributed an article on a subject close to her heart. That subject being "Why we don't see eye to eye, you and me" Read on for a full explanation of why Previous Contestant on Come Dine with me doesn't think you and her would ever be friends even if you worked together for years...

Here's the thing right, here's the thing now don't take offense dont take offense...

I just think you, right.

You. 

Are really fake, right?

Don't take offense, right, don't take offense. It's not because I don't like you, but I'll be honest I. Don't. Like you. But that's got nothing to do with it, right. You just don't act real.

And you come in here, and you come in here. 

I just says what I think sweetie, just says what's on my mind... that's just me, that's who I am.  I speak my mind, me and I don't let, right I don't let what other people think make any no difference to what I say and what I say is this.  

You think you're better than everyone else. 

Let me finish let me finish...

And it's not because of racial things. I just don't like spicy food.

But the one thing  like  about you is that you don't seem to care how much you eat.

You're holding your fork wrong.

You smell of eggs.

I'm going to set your house on fire.

I'm going to go to the toilet and piss all over everything in there, that's why I've been drinking all that water honey... that's why.

Film 4 Seeking New and Exciting Ways to Announce that They're Showing Predator 2 and Iron Man this Weekend

Who is hunting who!?!

Schedulers at Film 4 have thrown down the creative gauntlet to the Channel's Promo Gurus demanding they come up with more and more innovative ways to trumpet the screening of two of cinemas biggest 'kahunas' this summer having scheduled screenings of 2008 blockbuster Iron Man and 1990 sequel Predator 2 for consecutive weekends until October.

You get to see him build the Iron Man suit!

"We're thrilled to announce near enough back-to-back showings of these two great films on a regular basis every weekend throughout the warmer months and we're even more excited to see what the guys in the promo department come up with to let the folks at home know exactly when to catch Danny Glover taking on the Predator or Robert Downey Jnr and Gwyneth Paltrow talking over each other" Said spokesperson Alan Cliffe.

Film 4 have already displayed great ingenuity in managing to tie Iron Man to the recent Royal Wedding and have even forged a link between Predator 2  and the killing of Osama Bin Laden. "What is the Predator if not an elaborate metaphor for the hunt for terrorists across an urban landscape?" Asks Cliffe "The Predator has a sort of code of honor, Bin Laden is... was a Muslim... they're kind of the same thing. And don't get me started on that great scene where Bill Paxton and the Hispanic Lady chase the Predator through a crowded subway - Great Action!"

Who is hunting Who!?!

Rumours are already circulating that an upcoming promo will somehow link Predator 2 with the warm-hot weather that we may or may not be enjoying in May - "I don't want to give anything away, but in Predator 2 it's the hottest Summer on record in L.A!  And that can only mean one thing; Danny Glover and his crack team of cops hunting down the best hunter in the galaxy - but who is hunting who? The Hunt is On!"

This time, It's The Urban Jungle!

"... and I actually prefer Iron Man to 2008's The Dark Knight, I mean, it's just more fun! You got Robert Downey Jnr, Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrance Trent D'Arby and then you think it's the end, but Nick Fury turns up and it's Samuel L Jackson  - Oh Man!"

I'm sorry, did I eat your Royale with Cheese? HA HA HA HA H..

Execs at Film 4 see a distinct gap in the market for their season of Great Movies that Cliffe explains thusly "Some people just don't want to watch Later with Jools Holland - I mean, you try but there's just something about it that's so annoying. I think it's the way the audience wait until a couple of seconds after the song has finished before they clap... as if they're real music fans because they wait till the song is fully over... well when you get sick of watching a bunch of people jizz all over Noah and the Whale, then it's good to know that you can always turn over and see the part where Danny Glover is chasing the Predator through an apartment building and they land in an old lady's flat and she is like what!?! Maybe you could flick back to see if anything has improved in Jools Holland but it's probably just him interviewing Bobby Gillespie at a piano really awkwardly but that's ok because now you can turn back and Nick Nolte is hunting the Predator though a meat locker and they've tried to counteract the Predator's heat sea-king vision with infra red lights But Who is Hunting Who?"

Stop... THE ELEVATOR!

Predator 2  and Iron Man are probably showing right now.